A Letter to My Students

May 28, 2014

Dear Students,

This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to write…other than those twenty some page papers in college. I have been putting this off because writing this truly does mean that my year with you is over. I know most teachers only get a year with their students, unless you are blessed like Mr. Blake to have you all more; however, everyone else will have the opportunity of watching you continue to grow up and mature into the beautiful people that you are becoming. They will get visits during lunch and free time, will get to attend sporting events and other competitions and still remain connected in your lives if you choose for them to, but for me, this is it. This is the day that I have been dreading for the last several months since knowing I was not going to be returning. I want you to know a couple of things.

1.)    I am not leaving this position or moving to Missouri because of anything you have done or said. It is everything you’ve done and said and the wonderful teachers I have gotten to work with that have almost made me regret my decision to leave every day because I know how much I am going to miss you. The first year teaching is always a tough one and I thank you for your joy, excitement, determination and forgiveness throughout this crazy year. I truly could not have imagined a better group of students to experience this with-you have prepared me so much for my job next year and have given me the hope to one day return to teaching when the time is right.

2.)   I will still continue to be here for you if you choose for me to be. You can reach me through all the craziness of social media-most of you have already found me so consider this an open challenge come June 3. Many of you have had adults come into your life for a season, the season that many of them were getting some kind of pay out for-only to feel like they abandoned you as soon as they could. These people could have been your parents, other teachers, coaches, youth leaders, mentors…whatever. But, I’m not going to be one of those people. I don’t love each of you because it is my job and I don’t want to know about your personal lives because I have to. I want to be involved in your life and will continue to pray for you and remain one of your biggest fans whether you like it or not. If you need someone, I will be there.

3.)   I am proud of and thankful for each and every one of you. Some of you have been determined to prove that I hate you all year long and I hope you realize that you have wasted your time. I don’t care who you are…you have made this year one to remember. Each and every one of you are leaving the seventh grade a better person than when you walked in. Many of you came in barely doing any of the assignments and not being super competent in all subjects, however, I have seen most of you make leaps towards success in these areas. You are making steps towards maturity-taking personal responsibility not only for mere assignments, but for your learning. You are learning the balance between silliness and serious.  You are daring to ask questions and seek a deeper understanding of humanity and life around you. You you have grown in confidence both in your abilities and in yourselves…confidence truly is key to everything you will do. If you don’t believe in yourselves, you can’t expect others to believe in you. Having confidence is the first step in doing anything-your actions will follow your attitude.

4.)  Respect authority. No matter where you are or who you are, there is always going to be someone above you. Even if you don’t like them or agree with them, they deserve your respect. Sometimes it is hard, but it is necessary to bite your tongue and get down to business. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it is good to argue for what you believe in…but always do it in a respectful tone. Don’t feel like you have to win every argument because eventually you won’t. Know when to give in and step back in respect. Respect doesn't mean you have to like the person-it simply means that you will speak positively and cooperate with them. It also never hurts to thank the people above you for their work in your lives.

5.)   Life is tough, get a helmet. Most of you have learned this already and I apologize for any sad circumstances and tough battles that you have had to fight. I would love to stand here as a 23-year-old and tell you that it is only up from here, but the truth is…life is always tough-you just have to find your reason to fight. You will experience love…and broken hearts, hope and hopelessness. You will have moments of great accomplishment and moments of shear disappointment. For some of you, you may fight to prove everyone around you wrong. Some of you want to make a difference in the world. Some of you want to do better or be better than your family. Others want to be famous or make a lot of money. Whatever your reason, remember that and never give up fighting for what you want out of life. People are going to get in your face- tell you that you’re not good enough, that you can’t do it, that you’re not smart enough, talented enough, beautiful enough, rich enough, that you don’t come from the right background or school, that you don’t have enough experience or that your past is just too much. Whatever other people say….remember that the fight is worth it because you deserve the best. Sometimes waking up each morning, bringing school supplies to school, doing your homework, attending practice, putting in that extra time to really be good is going to seem like it is stupid-It’s not. If you want to get somewhere good in life-where each of you deserve to be- you are going to have to face adversity and you’re going to have to fight for it. At some points you are going to have to prove that you are worth it and it is going to seem impossible…remember that it isn’t. Keep fighting. Keep believing. You’re worth it.

I have been thinking about what the number one thing I wanted you to remember when you walk out of my doors for the last time is; and although I am a writing teacher-it’s not anything about punctuation, capitalization, spelling, pre-writes or Six Traits-although it would be great for you to recall each of those things. If there is only one thing that you remember from my class, remember that you are worth it. Many of you have already been told that you aren't deserving or have the belief that you will never make it very far in life because others have told you. Those are lies-lies that I have been trying to fight with you for the last nine months. However, it is proven fact that it takes so many more times of hearing the truth to stop believing the lie. I don’t want you to walk out of the seventh grade and into the summer or eighth grade or any of your future defeated. I want you to remember that you are worth it…after brainstorming with a friend; we devised the idea of getting each of you MudLove Bands reading that phrase. You see, MudLove is a company that takes literal mud and makes bands out of it while donating the profit to clean water campaigns. Think of it, mud is gross, thick gunk that we don’t think a whole lot about, yet many people are wearing this jewelry-making it worth something. Now these bands were not something super cheap, so I enlisted my support system---a group of people that could one day be your employers, professors, teachers, friends, mentors and more. These people each donated money to prove to you that you are worth it. They went out of their way because they wanted to show you that you are loved and deserving of the best. There is nothing that you have had to do for these people to prove that you are worth it and there is nothing you will ever need to do other than to believe that you are. You are worth it. You are worth the fight. You are worth the hard work. You are worth the grades. You are worth the late night games and early morning practices. You are worth the money spent. You are worth the hours put in. You are worth throwing away the razor blades. You are worth eating the next meal. You are worth taking your next breath and throwing down all the self hate. You are worth everything. You have made this last year worth my college education….If you were the only students that I ever had the privilege of teaching, all of that work would have been worth it. Please, if there is one thing you remember. Remember you are worth it.

I don’t expect each of you to wear these bands, but I do expect each of you to rise to the occasion of believing you’re worth it. However, I do ask that you just keep this band-hang it somewhere,  wear it, put it somewhere you can see it and any time you look at it-remember how much you are loved and how much confidence I have in each of your futures…not to mention the confidence that these complete strangers have in you.

I love you all.

Class dismissed. 

I Jumped (Part 2): I Touched the Water Beneath.

A couple of months ago, I wrote a post about taking a leap of faith-I resigned from a solid position within the public education system that was utilizing my degree and keeping me close to family and friends. I made this decision within a couple of weeks and to make it crazier, turned in my resignation before ever searching for a replacement job. I remain grateful for the prayers and support of many friends throughout the last few months of leaping and wanted to catch everyone up as to where I stand now. 

Jumping was, in part, the result of a discussion with a mentor over feeling that test-driven teaching wasn't for me at this point in my life. She nudged me to look into group homes for teens-a position that would utilize my passion for connection and relationship without burning me out on shoving punctuation down students' throats. I never knew these positions existed-thought it is something I've always wanted to do. I remember playing with my dozens of imaginary friends and Barbies that they were all a part of a ranch for kids who started walking down the wrong path and I was helping to get them back. I remember watching movies about animal therapy and being captivated by the idea-I wanted to be doing that. As time does, my dreams faded to reality and I majored in English Education so I could imitate Hillary Swank in freedom writers and heal all of the problems through writing. I'm not going to lie, I have seen students make progress through written word-but spending 8 hours a day pouring myself into these students only for them to go home to chaotic brokenness. I leave the school every day wishing I could do more...longing to be able to work more with students lives than their test scores. 

After that conversation with my mentor, I turned to Google (yes, very professional job searching technique). I don't even remember what exactly I googled, probably something like group homes or teen residential programs. Those searches led to tons of questionnaires as to why I needed a group home before finally sifting through to the employment opportunities. I already knew of one organization called Mooseheart near Chicago (a mere 3 hours away from my homestead) because a couple friends from college worked there...so of course I applied. I decided that it was irresponsible to apply for just one job so I continued looking until I found Shelterwood in Missouri (a whopping 9 hours from comfort). I went through the tedious application process for both locations-writing several pages a piece on my philosophy of discipline and children and ministry in general. It seemed Cray Cray (as my good friend, Hollie Parker would say), but I didn't feel the urge to apply for any more positions. I simply prayed...not nearly as much as one should have and trusted that God had it all in His hands-that sometime soon my foot that I had stepped out of the boat with would touch solid water. 

Within a week of each other, I completed a phone interview with Shelterwood and went on location to Mooseheart for an entire day of interviewing. I enjoyed Mooseheart, but in the back of my mind was hoping that I would get the confirmation call from Shelterwood while I was there because my heart just wanted it. I wasn't holding out much faith and would often let my thoughts travel to a future of working at Wal-Mart because I was never meant to step out of the boat of education. Yet, sometimes God does grant the desires of our heart and the day after I returned from Chicago, I received an email from Shelterwood saying that they wanted me. I have to admit, I had been checking my phone and email extra regularly for the days surrounding that one because I knew I was supposed to know soon. I happened to sit down during passing period to check my email that day and read the hopeful words, screamed and burst into tears as students walked questionably into my room. I will admit that I was more than a little shocked for God to come through on this desire because I tend to think that He would rather ignore my wishes on a regular basis. 

Excitement only lasted for so long before sheer fear overran any happiness that I had. I had never been out of the state of Indiana for more than a week in my entire 23 years of life and now I would be picking up...alone...and moving nine hours from anyone and everyone that I have ever known. I have no idea what each day will have in store for me and I will be relying on my faith more than ever before. My brother will no longer be able to come spend weekends with me and I won't see my closest friends every couple of days. I struggle with a despise loneliness and yet it seemed like I was moving to ensure that I would be lonely. My team of teachers was excited for this opportunity, but I can't help be saddened by the fact that I am leaving the four of them who have become friends. My students battled comments of me abandoning them and protesting never seeing me again-things that hurt more than any other fact of moving. 

Even today, I walked around my alma mater-Huntington University- with my mentor's dog. I have walked the campus loop probably a hundred times in the last 5 years, but today I took the near mile loop slower-knowing that I won't just be able to come and make this walk every week like the last five years. I took in the beauty and let memories flood my mind with each step of campus. I remember being terrified to move an hour away from the home that I had always known to college and then basically made it a criterion for last year's job searching to be near this comfort zone. I have made this place home and most of my friends still reside here nine months of the year, yet I have to pull myself to pack up and move 9 hours away in the next two months. My brother's 13th birthday is this Thursday and because of work will be the first birthday (or holiday in general) that I have not been with him in his lifetime. As sad as that makes me, knowing that it is potentially the first of many as I move makes it harder.

The love that I know hold for this place that I not-so-long-ago feared gives me hope that Independence, Missouri holds the same possibilities for being home if I allow it. I will be working with the type of students that I love the most-the ones who try their best to reject that love. I will be working alongside people close to my age (something I have grown to miss in the past year-WHERE IN THE WORLD DO ALL THE 20 SOMETHIGNS GO AFTER COLLEGE?!)I will be a part of some intense discipleship as well as having caring leaders over me doing the same. I will be a part of an organization that changes the lives of teenagers through the healing message of Christ's love without having to tip toe around faith like in a public school setting. I will be working to create a relationship of discipleship with a small group of girls- working as a mentor in their healing process of growing closer to Jesus. I will not have to see my students come back into my door each morning slipping back after returning home the night before. I will get the comfort of knowing that most of the girls are there because their Jesus-loving parents care about them enough to get them help. I will get to again live in a strong community of women while working in ministry and am beyond hopeful and excited for the opportunities to come oh so soon. 

Basically-I don't know which I am more of...anxious, nervous or excited. With each though I can see both the positives and negatives of moving and taking this leap of faith. I'm sure Peter too flashed through all the possibilities when he stepped out of the boat to his Savior. Even in those split seconds before his feet touched the water beneath, I'm sure there were flashes of the uncertain potential of drowning....but the truth stands that he didn't drown. Jesus was there to hold him on that water and I know that he is there to hold my hand on this unsteady water in the upcoming months. I hope to continue to keep this blog active in the near future as a release of the emotions of packing up and moving as well as in the next year to correspond with whoever wants to know what I am up to in Independence. Independence...it just hit me that I am moving to a very place that means freedom...my focus of this last year. This will, for sure, be a step of freedom in faith, and healing. 

Worth It! Fundraiser Campaign

Worthlessness. Dark futures. Hopeless. Broken. Burdened.

Every day, I walk into my classroom trying to illustrate hope more than anything to a group of students who are bogged down with worthlessness. This group of students, in particular, is one that has frequently been identified by their low test scores and frequent behavior problems. They have grown up being told that they will never amount to much-that they are too dumb, too useless, too broken, too different etc. They often come from homes that are caught in generational poverty, abuse and other negative situations and it has been instilled in them that they are only going to continue these vicious cycles. They battle cutting, depression, a search for love, alcohol, drugs, abuse, bullying and loneliness with what seems like little hope entering their lives. 

It has been my mission all year long to show them that they are MORE than their past, their surroundings and the lies that they have been told. We have endured "Motivational Mondays" my "lame" attempt to show them celebrities and others that have overcome struggles such as disabilities, poverty, abuse, stereotypes etc. I have seen them take in these small moments of hope and truth, but the real truth is that truth has to be spoken double the amount of lies to trump. 

I've seen more students upset that I was leaving this year because the "one who believes in us" is leaving them. I hate that some students think that and want to leave them with a final token that will continue to fight their lies for as long as they should let it. After brainstorming with friends, I have concluded that I would love to get MudLove Bands (bracelets that are handmade from clay and give to charity) reading "Worth It" so that they can always have truth with them. After researching, this task would cost around $560-a feat that I am not wealthy enough to fund. That's where I am asking you to come in and breath some hope...some truth into these students' lives. 

I have created a GoFundMe account in order for you to sponsor a child. What better way to show my students that they are worth it than to present them with bands that were donated by complete strangers who believe in their futures?! Not only will it give them a constant reminder that I think they are Worth It!, but they will know that other people out there who could be their future employers, co-workers, admission counselors, professors, teachers, etc do too!. 

By donating to this cause, you could literally be saving a child's life as many of them do struggle with depression and hopelessness. This band could be the thing that urges them to live for a brighter future. These students have stolen my heart and will forever remain there and I know if you had a chance to meet them, they would steal yours too. Please donate whatever you can to show them that they are Worth It! and have a hope of a brighter future!

Please...push the link below and do whatever you can to invest in the future and show my students that they are Worth It!

Show a Student They Are Worth It! (http://www.gofundme.com/8pt0pk)

Also, just a business note, money will not be subtracted from your account if I do not raise my goal of 560 dollars by May 7 (I have to place the order in enough time to receive the bands by the end of the year). 

 

I jumped. I resigned.

     A couple of months ago at this point, I jumped. I drafted a letter of resignation and turned it into my principal saying that I would not be returning to Indian Springs Middle School in August. It wasn't an emotional decision made after some horrid first year experience: In fact, it was my experience this year that made the letter so difficult to write. I have been absolutely blessed with the most incredible team I could have imagined-we all share a laid back, fun loving attitude but get work done when necessary. I quickly bonded with them and every day makes it harder to know that I only have a month left of working alongside them. I have never seen Jesus displayed more profusely in the classroom than when watching my co-workers interact with students, parents and stressful situations (which is pretty impressive considering I work at a public school). After all of my student observation in college, it was far too easy to grow downtrodden because of the overarching negative attitude toward students and the profession. I have loved my students, though there have been a fair share of difficult times. I've always wanted to be a teacher who watches my students grow and mature over the years- seeing every other teacher have a slew of 8th graders come visit them has only made me want that even more. Many students have never had someone support and love them when they weren't getting paid to do so-I have always wanted to be their exception...wanted to attend graduation in five more years and watch my babies cross the stage to receive their diploma. I hate that I am going to be another name on many of those students' lists of abandoning them.

       So why did I jump and where am I going to land? 
    
    I jumped because through all of my time working with students either as a youth leader, volunteer, student teacher and teacher, I have learned that I love the relational side more than anything. So many of my students walk into my door broken and weighed down by a plethora of things and people that have already happened in their short twelve years of life. They walk in hopeless and helpless-there are more  important tasks on their agenda than learning where a comma goes in a sentence and rightfully so. My passion is to meet students where they are in those moments, use education and writing to further connect with how they are feeling and why....instill hope and healing. However, it has become increasingly evident that a formal education setting is unfortunately more focused on state standards and standardized test scores than those pivotal tasks. 

   Should I have come to this realization sometime in the last four years before I forked out one hundred grand on earning my Bachelor's in English Education? That could have been helpful, but I remain grateful for my years at Huntington University and the opportunity to work with so many different students. I can't say that I will never go back to the world of formal classrooms, it's just not where I'm meant to be right now. 

   Right now, I'.m single...I'm unattached to everything. I have no reason to need to stay in a certain area other than my baby brother-who will be the hardest thing about moving away...BUT right now is the perfect time to chase after my dream job-a job I never knew actually existed. I remember growing up playing with my hoard (yes, I was a very lame child) of imaginary friends and even Barbies-pretending that I owned some kind of healing ranch where troubled teens and children would come stay and through therapy and separation from the world that distracted them, come to a place of healing and hope. Those are the students that have always held a special place in my heart-they're not bad kids (though often labeled as such)-they have just grown up with an unfortunate set of circumstance with less love engulfing their every move. This is why I became a teacher-because in my own carefully laid plans, that is how I was meant to work with students. 

    My own carefully laid plans...that has been the hilarious flaw I am trying to push away. I can't remember the last time that I took a jump like the one I did a couple of months ago...resigning from my current, successful position without another one lined up...that is just darn silly! Picking up everything I own and moving away from the area...and even state...that I have always known...away from all of the people that I have ever known...that is crazy talk. Refusing to look at teaching jobs, even though the form of job that I am currently looking for is limited is stupid in many people's books. Yet, during a conversation with a mentor, I realized that each of those things is what I am being called to do. I am Peter, being beckoned to take that first shaky step onto the water and trust...finally trust... in God's best laid plans over my own. I have to admit, for a steadfast planner like myself, this is one of the scariest things I have ever done. Even now, I can't even see the water that my foot will fall onto and that is terrifying, but I know that it is down there somewhere and even if I start to sink, I know his hand will reach to pull me up. 

    I have my first interview tomorrow afternoon...an interview to a place that literally is my picture of the perfect job. It is hard to not get my hopes up for this position because I love it so much, but I can't rightfully say I why I should have this job over anyone else...but I do know that sometimes God works in strange ways and calls those scrawny, under qualified followers to do some amazing things.  I jumped and now I have to trust that He truly does have a plan.

  So for those of you who have been wondering, asking or even clueless as to my plans next year...they don't exist. Right now, I just know I'm going to be somewhere different...and that's okay.

Black and White: Unlovable and Loved

I feel as though we are always trying to draw a line between right and wrong, black and white: With every situation, we have a clear calling to promote some people to being "in the right" while we punish others to being "in the wrong". We turn these boundaries into the boundary between those who deserve to be loved and those who don't. There are saints and sinners, despite the overarching love for everyone that Jesus preached. 

I caught a couple making out within the first like month of school-a scene that even the teacher who has been there for nineteen years has never caught. (beginners luck, right?) I reported the incident and filled out my first discipline referral. I was pretty proud of myself because the new teacher was cracking the whip and that's what we are supposed to do, right?  Just when I thought the process was done, the team was confronted by the principal in charge of discipline, begging for a black and white line. Apparently P.D.A isn't written up firmly in the handbook and so we needed a solid line that was crossed-where hands were, what other body parts were involved, position of each body and a lot more details than I had ever paid attention to. (clearly, I was thinking...EWWW, gross, runaway)

Now, that's a rather humorous take on black and white; moral and immoral; right and wrong, but we, as a nation, as Christians, are consumed with this concept and it honestly disgusts me. 

We are absolutely obsessed with gay rights and whether or not they should be allowed. We are all called to love, why would we not allow people to do that? Sure, you could argue what the Bible says, but the Bible also says to not use God's name in vain, to grow angry, to commit adultery, to lie and a list of other common occurrences, but you don't see those flooding the news.We draw a line that homosexuals, even those who lovely deeply and truly don't deserve to be loved when heterosexuals, even those who abuse and cheat do deserve love.

As soon as there is an act of violence, we jump on the blaming train. We blame the person who was holding the weapon, the weapon itself, the surrounding people who froze instead of doing as they were trained. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say that people responsible for violence are in the right, but their actions don't mean that they are not deserving of love...sometimes they are the very ones who are begging for more love. I've known both a brutal murderer and a young man who had a plan to end the school and I can hardly say that neither of these men deserve love while the bully who uses his words does. 

Unfortunately, I came from a school cooperation that lost far too many students in just a few years. Students were lost for a variety of reasons-birth defects, disease, suicide, car accidents, drugs, alcohol and more. The sickening part is how people mourned these losses-the "innocent" deaths were swooned over while tears fell for days while those "guilty" deaths were judged and nudged away, rumored and moved on from. Each of these students were far too young to be dead, yet only a portion were nominated as such. We declared only some of the families to be worthy of being consoled and held and love while the others should be shunned and talked about like the deaths were somehow their faults. 

I have a student whom I can't say much about other than they stole my heart with their story within the first couple of days of class. This student is known for discipline problems both in and out of the school building. So many people have written them off because of these outbursts and have thus sentenced them homeless and unlovable. What is to say that the student who can't focus on school because their basic needs aren't being met doesn't deserve to be loved beyond what we are required while the straight A, star athlete deserves all the praise in the world?

A dear friend of mine was recently put into jail for a crime that shocked me and a friend who is in a relationship that many would scorn. People would immediately jump on the bandwagon of right and wrong, loved and unlovable upon hearing these stories in depth and it infuriates me. These are two people whom I love and respect. We all sin and we all make mistakes; yet as soon as we hear of someone who has made slipped up in an area that we have nominated a BIG one, we jump to assumptions, we accuse, we stereotype and we decide that they are unworthy of love, yet use their actions to promote ourselves on the love latter. 

This is definitely a scatter-brained post, judge me if you want, but it's the way I get when I get frustrated. I don't necessarily think in full thoughts and sentences...just ideas and I know the idea that is bugging me right now is we as Americans, as Christians, as Middle-Class Citizens, use everything we can to promote ourselves while demanding others be undeserving of love. 

Please take this as a reminder and live in love...love for all people...not just whom you see as worthy of it because if we were honest, someone probably has you on their list as unlovable. 

<3 

Beauty to Peace

As I sit here, totally buried in 16.2 inches of snow and windchills of -50, watching 7th Heaven re-runs and refusing to do anything dealing with my job, I can't help but think over the past year of my life. Each year, I pick a focus word instead of putting together an impossible set of resolutions. 2013 was the year of Beauty, in which Freedom was added towards the end.

Just after the New Year, I hopped on a plane for the first time in my life to spend a couple of weeks with my best friend. The time was much needed and started my reflection on the beauty around me. Deep conversations always put me in a thoughtful mood, and time with Naomi reminded me of the beauty of friendship, even in distance and how God brings people together to share life-even the most unpredicted sets of people. 

I began Student Teaching at Norwell Middle School and got to know a group of kids that will forever be a part of who I am. (their constant Instagram spam will never let me forget them.) I was terrified to embark on Student Teaching while living in Hardy Hall, getting little sleep and having a ton of school commitments, but I survived and it quickly became my favorite year yet. I was daily reminded of the beauty of God's creations on my solo drives to and from the school and in the students that I worked with as well as my fellow teacher's passion for bring Christ into their occupation.

I feel like it wouldn't be an accurate account of my year if I didn't include my most memorable and exciting night of my college career. It may or may not have included much of an anonymous building on an anonymous campus creating a hallway slip-in-slide, massive amounts of laundry soap and escaping campus security on multiple counts. It will always live in my memory-reminding me of the beauty of friendship and letting go in the moment. 
 
I graduated Huntington University sending me into an overload of change: moving from the place that I had called home for 4 years and the relationships that had held me strong during even the most stressful moments. I protested putting away all of my belongings in my room at home for nearly a month because I didn't want that to be reality. Change does bring beauty if we seek God in the midst of it. 

I began applying for summer jobs long before the school year was even over and yet remained unemployed for far to long, causing me to worry about finances leading into some major life changes. During that time, my trusty Silver Stallion decided to die on my way to Ohio, causing me to be unemployed and without transportation. God provided and a high school friend offered me a job at Ideal Beach Campgrounds and my uncle happened to have a Mazda 6 on his lot for my price. There is an immense amount of beauty in the wait and in getting to work with a crazy group of people ranging from 7 years younger to 20 years older.

The thing I've learned most about beauty is that it isn't going to always slap you in the face with it's presence. Beauty is something to be sought, in each moment and in each living being.  I, too often, write off individuals or situations because they are not my picture of ideal- 2013 repeatedly kicked me off of my high horse, showing me beauty in everything if I only took the time to look for it. 

All of that being said, 2014 is sure to be a year of even more challenge as I tackle the idea of peace and purpose and the freedom that comes with those two ideas. I am currently in a job that I knew I wasn't going to want to have forever, but one that is proving to be more of a challenge than originally thought: I have a couple of months to debate my purpose and attempt to find a peace in this "bridge job" (one that I am simply doing until I can figure out what comes next). A friend recently reminded me that we are too often looking for the next thing and promising ourselves peace in it-when God is asking us to simply be where we are now and find Him there. I currently live in a small town where I know a total of one other person and spend most nights alone watching a strict routine of trashy television with my guinea pigs. I struggle with being alone and being unfulfilled with my current occupation and surroundings and simply finding peace with myself and the God that I frequently neglect leaving me in a frequent state of frenzied anxiety.

Have I mastered the idea of "Free Beauty"? Of course not, I am only hoping that my journey to peace and purpose will teach me more about God's beauty and the beauty that He daily floods the world with.

Intercession or Connection

Recent interactions have caused me to realize how often modern day Christianity replaces real connection with either the false promise of or actual deed of intercession. We live in a go go go world where we are rarely ever merely attempting to accomplish one task or engage with one person, or God for that matter (how often are we serving the god of accomplishment, money and Jesus all at the same time? I'll leave that for another time.)

I've worked with adolescents for about eight years now; four of those years taking place at a small, Christian, liberal arts university in a small Midwestern town. This university, in particular, prided itself on relationships (not the romantic ones-though many of its attendees graduated with a ring by spring and their MRS degree.). I mean, true and connected relationships-as you walked down the side walk, it wouldn't be uncommon to see a couple of friends or a student and professor sitting off to the side talking. My favorite part about Huntington was that most of these interactions began or ended (or both) with prayer. We had professors asking us what was going on in our personal lives and how they could pray for us. It also wasn't uncommon, even in non-ministry classes, to have a professor or fellow student begin the class in prayer. When one of the business professor's wife was dying or when our financial aide director died-the entire campus received emails of intercession on their behalf. When one of the student's fathers went missing overseas, every one began interceding for him. 

I used to meet with a friend and mentor, who is also a youth leader, once every couple of weeks. Though we always had positive, honest and deep conversation, my favorite time was always towards the end because she would pull out her journal and ask what she could be praying about. Many friends would ask this question before prayer, but Hillary took it seriously enough to make the personal connection to ask what I needed intercession for and to not only ask, but to write it down so she could look it up later. 

As a youth leader, friend, sister and mere Christian human being, I prayed on behalf of my kids, family and friends on a daily basis, though I have always found it to be true that intercession is made more meaningful when the person actually knows about it. Unfortunately, we live in a Christian world where "I'll pray for you" has become a new cliche catchphrase that is very rarely actually followed through with. That being said, when someone utters it after pouring out our hearts to them, we doubt the sincerity. 

When I moved to college, it became increasingly harder to stay connected with my youth girls at home (something Hill wrote in her journal on my behalf multiple times). I prayed for them daily, and often had an idea as to what they needed prayer for. However, if you asked them today, many of them would tell you that their was a long period of time that they felt overlooked and abandoned. They knew I was interceding for them, but they were desperately missing that connection.To be honest, those girls pulled away from me during this adjustment period of pure intercession because they felt like I wasn't there for them any longer, like I had moved on and didn't care about them. Though this was false, there was no known action to prove otherwise.

Intercession without connection is like thought without action. I'm not saying that every action has to be publicized or at least brought to the notice of the recipient, but hasn't your day ever been made by an anonymous note left on your windshield or a package of candy/flowers left at your doorstep or someone in front of you paying for your meal/coffee at the drive-thru. These actions each brighten our day and cause us to feel loved and cared for even when left anonymous. We could sit at our house and pray that the person feel the love of God today or that they get over their illness, but those prayers coupled with a card or a package of cough drops is going to go a bit further to lift the person's spirits.

Earlier tonight, someone that hadn't sought out real conversation with me reminded me that she cared for me and was praying for me after an argument about pure intercession lacking connection, leading to a lost trust and relationship. When said person offered this prayer, I instantly felt what my girls must have felt four years ago-abandonment trying to be mended with mere words, yet without action. Someone was saying that they still cared without any evidence backing their words. Empty.

Now, put this into a different profession: if a doctor merely said that he was talking about what it would take to heal you of your terminal disease, would you continue to want to put trust in that doctor to heal you? If a teacher merely talked to the principal about what she would teach without ever stepping foot near the students, would you trust that teacher with your child's education? If a waitress told her manager about your complaint without the manager coming to your out of the back, would you feel heard? The answer to each of these questions is probably a no unless you are a pretty laid back, forgiving individual. Though I have talked a lot of intercession coupled with connection being the job of a youth leader, it is really the job each and every one of us commits to when we ask Jesus to be our Lord. 

Take a minute to see how intercession worked in the days when we weren't living a go go go lifestyle with electronic and post-it noted to-do lists:

James 5:14-20 gives us the exact process that we should follow when someone needs prayer showing the action such has calling the sick and anointing with oil and then persistent and fervent prayer on their behalf:

" Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith with save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed fervently that it might not rain, and for three years and six months, it did not rain on the earth. Then he prayed again, and heaven gave rain, and the earth bore its fruit..."

Ephesians 1:15-19 shows us how to make intercession more of a connection even though we may be separated by distance. The author not only says that they are continually praying for these people, but gives the specifics of the prayer recited:

" For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might."

I could go on forever listing verses that give examples as to how we should pray, but I think these two illustrate two aspects that we are frequently leaving out. We need to seek those that we are praying for out. We are called to be more like Hillary and take dutiful note of what our friends could use prayer for-intentionality. I want to make it clear that we don't necessarily have to tell the others the exact prayers or even just tell them of the prayer each and every time-however it always adds sincerity when we inform each other of the prayers that are being given on our behalf. 

I ask you to look inside your relationships: are you replacing connection with intercession or are you coupling them together for the most sincere impact?

Fiercely,
Danni