Herded. Psalm 23.

I don't know why, but it never ceases to surprise me when God speaks so directly to my heart. This isn't a new experience or one that is directed solely at me-people have been hearing from God since the beginning of the world...literally. This morning I fought the ever present urge to sleep off the headache that another restless night had left me with to drive a half hour to and from church. I was not keen on the idea, but had recently committed to fighting off the summer blues by attending every Sunday until Missouri and didn't want to fail the second week in. I went, sat in my usual seat (for the past 5 years) only to have Pastor Mike Hill speak the fuel that I have been praying for and with so many of my friends entering some imperative decision making days, I wanted to share the gist of his words. If you do have time...(quite frankly, just stop reading this and go), feel free to check out the link for podcast of this morning when it's updated.

 Life Church, Huntington Podcast

Have you ever noticed that the closer you grow to God, the more uncertain your future seems? Mike nailed me with the opening sentence of the message. Bumming it this summer as well as the long list of unknown involving my Missouri move in just over a month, has forced me to come face to face with God on a more regular basis. Yet in this time of proximity to Him, the only thing I seem to know is that I am moving to Missouri August 10. That isn't enough for a controller like myself. Mike went on to open with Psalm 23, a popular one that begins with "The Lord is my shepherd." I didn't grow up in the church and yet I knew this passage...yet, Mike spun it...it isn't inherent that He is our shepherd just because we are Christians-just as we are not automatically placed on the narrow road mentioned in the Gospels. The Lord being our shepherd is a conscious decision that we have to say yes to...and live by. We have to be willing to follow Him no matter where He is guiding us, being confident that when the wolf attacks, He will stand between us.

I have recently been conscious about my dependence on my GPS, despite the fact that is fails me every now and then. I was driving to a friend's house last week in a part of Ft. Wayne that I had never been to, yet I was utterly confident I was going to arrive at my destination because I had the GPS. Even when I missed a sudden turn, the GPS recalculated the next route for me. Driving to Missouri, the longest drive I will have made alone, I won't look at the map, I will simply follow wherever the GPS tells me to go and if she fails me, I will call home. The GPS enables me to drive off the route, to stop for breaks, to do whatever I want because I know she will recalculate. That's not the kind of following that Psalm 23 is speaking of.  Mike recounted driving to Florida to a destination that he didn't even know the address of-he was simply following a friend in front of him who DID know where they were headed. I hate this type of driving....I'm always terrified that I am going to be the car in the caravan to get pulled over for speeding or going through the red light that everyone else made through on yellow, and don't even get me started on what happens when someone pulls out in front of me, thus separating me from the rest of the crew. I panic, I get aggressive, I'll ride their tail until they get in the other lane-I'm simply not going to allow someone to separate me from the one that actually knows where we are headed. That's the kind of following that we are being summoned to when we take on "The Lord as my shepherd".

Why do I not get as aggressive with Satan as He so often cuts me off from the one I am following who actually knows where I am headed? Why do I still consciously choose to take pit stops and detours because the route can be recalculated? Why do I not do whatever I can to stay with Him?

Mike went on to enlist Romans 12:1-2 to talk about "renewing your mind"- three simple words that we often skew. We know we are to fuel ourselves with the Word-it is often called our "guidebook" or "directions for life", yet our efforts often end up lost. Mike recounted a story (to be honest, I spaced out in thought during much of this, but I have the highlights) about a man who encountered Mother Theresa: He asked her to pray for clarity over his life- a prayer that I have so often been reciting recently. Mother T. praying clarity over you, how much better could it get? Stop. She refused, she told the man that she would never pray those words for him because "Clarity removes trust". Basically, when we are clear about the direction of our lives, we can abandon the director. We often go to Scripture for direction; yet the primary purpose of Scripture isn't necessarily to provide us direction for our lives (though it does do that much of the time), rather it provides us with directions back to the director so we can follow Him.

 It pulls back to the idea of the Lord being our shepherd- what would a sheep do with a map? Even if it could read it, it would probably screw up the directions somehow, instead it just loyally follows his master. I'm definitely not a shepherd by definition, but I have grown up showing and raising herd animals: From the time that the baby animals are born, the point is to grow them trusting enough to follow easily for show. For goats, you have a lead or a collar of some kind and for sheep, you take hold of their face-yet during show you don't want it to look like you are tugging on these too much, instead the animal should just kind of walk next to you because you are its leader...its shepherd. Every year, it never fails that one of these animals will break free of their owner...they run around the ring and just do their own thing while all of the ring helpers work it into a smaller space. On the rare occasion, you will see a tame enough animal get lose only to simply stand next to it's owner; if the animal gets separated, you'll see it run full force back to the owner as soon as it catches a glimpse of them. Which are you; the animal who breaks free and runs or the animal who find themselves lost and runs back to the shepherd? Who are you trusting? 

We have one purpose in this world: To simply be growing nearer to Jesus and letting that relationship take us wherever He chooses. Simple, when we abandon the GPS where we are frantically reading street signs and mile markers, hectically turning onto passes too soon-making it recalculate our route and instead, simply keep our eyes on our friend who has the route memorized, stress is alleviated, holds are broken...we are granted a new kind of peace and freedom in the ride. 

The long list of the unknown has no hold on me because "The Lord is my shepherd. I lack nothing." I no longer want to fill my prayers begging for clarity because, today, God answered my second most-frequent prayer-to be known. God proved that He is listening to me, that He knows where I am and more importantly where I'm going. I am known by God, herded by the most faithful shepherd. What else is there to be clear about? 
 

<3

6 Traits Adults Lack that Children Pointed Out

I have to admit that despite me being 23, I rarely consider myself an adult. I don't have enough grasp on how to live in this world to consider myself with the automatic wisdom associated with adulthood. Saying that, I also consider myself lacking the traits that the younger generations would typically associate with the old, boring, strict and scheduled elders. Yet, this week I spent a considerable amount of time with ages 6-13 and have to admit that I have taken on a few of those adult-like qualities especially compared with these fun-loving, high energy kids. This isn't a post to rant about my coming identity as an adult, rather a reminder of the few lessons I learned this week from my younger counterparts.

Just a quick summary of how I came to spend so much time with these kids. Sunday, I was bored so I decided to ride bikes with a former seventh grade student who is now my neighbor. Tuesday, I got suckered into being a participant in an Active Shooter Simulation (yes, that was just as haunting as it sounds) with a few students and then taken hostage to the lakeside with a co-worker, her daughter (also a former student) and a couple of her friends. The students, then, escaped to my house for a few hours of movies, pretzels and Piano Tiles only to devise a plan for a sleep over with their parents' permission while a couple more joined. Grand total being four of my seventh graders spending the night at my apartment-which ended up being one of the most memorable nights of my life (yes, I realize how pathetic it may be to say that about a night with girls 10 years younger). Once their parents came to get them, I spent a few hours sleeping before they and more returned for Campus Life. Thursday, I drove home to pick up a 6 and 8-year-old to come stay with me until today (Saturday) when I took them home.

Now onto the lessons learned:

1.) Pizza and Ice Cream Cake Do Constitute as Dinner: Adults spend way too much time testing the latest diet trend, and working out constantly to remember just how good junk food can be. A little junk binge every now and then is not going to solely make you put on the pounds. If you are uber paranoid, just walk to go pick up said pizza and ice cream cake to burn a few of the calories.

2.) Remember to Treat your Cashiers with Kindness: Too often, adults are too busy to even look up from their phones or watches as they order, much less shoot their cashier a smile. We are all individuals just getting what we need from each other. Why not stop and try to make the other person laugh? For example, order an ice cream cake that reads "I shaved a guinea pig today!" while teaching the cashier how to spell guinea pig. There, we have a life lesson and a smile without doing much of anything.


3.) Stop Caring So Much About What You Look Like In Public: Most of us adults won't go out in public without a shower, change of clothes and at least a bit of make-up, deodorant and brush ran through our hair. Yet, I found so much freedom in pairing hideous items of my closet together after completing "blind make-overs" (where one person will be blinded while being handed make-up to put on their partner...creating faces that look like a crayola box attacked). This was on top of our rachet lake hair that hadn't been showered or brushed...
It didn't matter who we ran into at Wal-Mart or Speedway because we were confident in who we were at that moment...complete dorks who were having a blast.

4.) Money Is NOT Everything: As I have grown into adulthood, I progressively stress more and more about money: loans, rent, utilities, phone, internet and that's not even including food and gas and anything fun. I will admit that I am rather irresponsible when it comes to money...spend binging and then uber saving when my bills are do while stressing that I will basically die before my next pay check. HOWEVER, every now and then you gotta just splurge for those pretzels, the expensive pizza and fake eyelashes...because well, you could die before your next bills are due and make all the saving stupid. I'm not saying make this a habit because I definitely will be not spending anything for the next two weeks, but I'm also saying that that splurge was well worth it in the memories.

5.) Stop Planning Everything: We live in an age where we carry our calendars everywhere, making it easier to pencil people in and book ourselves to the max. I, too, am one of these people who thrive on schedule, but why? Why have I made it so necessary to know what I'm doing every minute? You feel like getting a Freeze at 12am? Do it. You feel like spontaneously letting 12-year-olds dye your hair a color of their choosing because you're too tired to double think that? Just go for it. If that sleep-over were scheduled, we wouldn't have done half of the hilarious impromptus and missed out on many memories. I'm not saying we need to throw away the planners, just be open to events that aren't penciled in. 

6.) Sleep When You're Dead:Going back to scheduling everything, we are sure to schedule enough sleep so that we can function the next day. However, have you ever thought about what you miss late at night-the stars, shelve stockers during hide-and-seek in Wal-Mart, empty roads and fireflies just to name a few. Your inhibitions are lowered as the night sets in which can get you into trouble...or (with trusted accompanists) you could embark on adventure. 

7.) Trample a Fear:By the time we are adults, we have made a list of things that we refuse to do, eat, say, read, insert verb here. Some of these tasks have come from experience whether others' or our own, while others are just mindsets.

My 6-year-old was all over conquering fears this weekend as she learned how to do a one-handed cartwheel and made it all the way across the monkey bars without falling...or jumping down because she thought she was going to fall. She also spun in the tire swing at the park despite initial protest...of course, that took some cheering on from her big sister. The tasks on our fear list may just become some of our greatest past-times. 

 I know this post is the black sheep out of my usual posts, but as I have been sitting here in my house without my young companions for the first time all week, I couldn't help but think about how refreshing it was to let lose without a care in the world. I didn't fear being judged by them, or find the need to schedule every minute. Instead, I just went with whatever cray cray idea that one of them presented and it ended up being a blast. Try it sometime.

8.) Sing Way Too Loud: This, ironically, was taught by every girl I encountered this week. With my seventh graders, we blared "Girls just want to have fun" (our theme song for the night) along with "We are Young" as loud as we could while singing along with our various levels of non-talent. Then, with the younger ones, I listened to the Frozen soundtrack so much I will probably be singing it in my sleep tonight...seriously I listened to each song at least 10 times in the last 2 days. Those two girls sang at the top of their lungs, sang in funny voices, did interpretive dance moves, made up their own words...it didn't matter if the windows were down, I was on the phone or the cars around us could see/hear them. They were filled with confidence in their talent and weren't about to stop. I can't remember the last time that a car pulled up next to mine at a light and I continued to sing, but does it really matter that much? Is that person really going to judge me as a lesser human being because I sing like nobody's watching? I doubt it. 


What child-like behavior are you running from? 
Why?
Are you afraid to let lose and just be? 
What is holding you back from your child-like ways?
Is it really that important?

Reluctant Daughter

Not even two weeks into my summer vacation...my first summer vacation since like 8th grade that I haven't had a job... I was already growing stir crazy due to living in a town where the only people I know are 13 years old so I did what most people my age are trying to avoid- I drove home. Now the weather here has been absolutely gorgeous so it was a drive with the windows down while blaring country music and singing obnoxiously enough for anyone that passes me to judge kind of drive time. I was in the Martina McBride mood (I've always loved her for her controversial lyrics and soulful personality) and started listening to Reluctant Daughter-a song that was probably never played on the radio and one that isn't commonly known by even her fans...it was kind of a dud. 

Seriously...pouting faces are the cutest.

Even the very title of the song gets me every time let alone the lyrics themselves. It is all about telling Jesus that you want to come back.  That's just a silly idea, is it not? Us, children of the King, telling Jesus...hey I know I screwed up and I ignored you for a while...but could you please go to your daddy and ask if I can come home?  It is fact: I am a daughter of God...yet, so often I am reluctant to accept that identity. I feel like a small child who not only goes against the wishes of her parents, but also has a tendency to downright ignore their existence or authority. 


Take this morning for example, I finally allowed myself to be honest about all of the changes that are quickly coming in August and to acknowledge them only to break down in fear. I can't move to Missouri. I don't know anyone there. I have never driven that far alone. I don't even fully know what I will be doing because so much is just rolling with the every day. I don't want to give up my own apartment with my own routine. My small group is making it even harder to leave my students behind. I have friends here. I want to be a teacher again. I shouldn't have just jumped...that was crazy and irrational and something I never would have done if I would have just taken time to fully think things through. All of these thoughts raced through my mind as well as every negative situation that could possibly happen. 

At this point I didn't want to claim my identity as Daughter...I was simply stomping away in the opposite direction because claiming the identity of Daughter of Christ comes with a lot of responsibility and uncertainty. I spent the majority of the day pouting , sitting outside painting my nails and reading refusing to claim His plan as my own. Yet it is in what happened in the later part of the day that beckons me back to my identity: You see, the identity of Daughter of God also comes with security in the shaky sand, hope in the struggle and purpose in the fog. However, I so often am reluctant to claim the later because it greatly depends on surrendering any other identity that I would like to take upon myself. I have to be willing to let everything else that I have worked for go in order to fully take hold of the security, love, hope and forgiveness. I have to let the title 7 Star Writing Teacher, Hoosier, Life Church Attendee, Columbia City Resident, Apartment Rentee and more go in order to grasp the title Daughter of God and everything that will come with obedience. 

I'm not the first one to be reluctant in coming home and I'm sure I'm not the only one hiding in the corner right now. If you're in this same place of reluctance-take heart in this common parable:

He was so hungry, he would have eaten the corncobs in the pig slop, but no one would give him any. That brought him to his senses. He said, "All those farmhands working for my father sit down to three meals a day, and here I am starving to death. I'm going back to my father. Ill say to him, Father, I've sinned against God , I've sinned before you; I don't deserve to be called your son. Take me on as a hired hand." He got right up and went home to his father. When he was still a long way off, his father saw him. His heart pounding, he rant out, embraced him, and kissed him. The son started his speech: "Father, I've sinned against God, I've sinned before you, I don't deserve to be called your son ever again." But the father wasn't listening. He was calling to the servants, "Quick, Bring a clean set of clothes and dress him. Put the family ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Then get a grain-fed heifer and roast it. We're going to feast! We're going to have a wonderful time! My son is here- given up for dead and now alive! Given up for lost and now found! -Luke 15:16-24

I am His reluctant daughter but, Jesus tell your Father, I want to be His child again.

Are you being a reluctant child of God?
What is causing you to stomp away and pout?
What are you bringing on to yourself because of your reluctance?
What are you missing out on because of your reluctance?
Are you ready to ask Jesus to come home again?

Reluctant Daughter Lyrics & Video