Pray it Never gets Easy.

Has your heart ever just completely sank for the world only to realize that if your human, fallible, incomplete heart hurts that much that you can not even begin to fathom how deep God, the Creator and Father's pain goes?

I am beginning my third week in the classroom and I never could have imagined how tough it would be to look into the eyes of some of my students each day-to know of the pain that is inflicted as the walk out into the world, or the depression that weighs on them within my walls. I have been a youth leader for several years now and have worked with students with eating disorders, depression, abuse aftermath, suicide attempts, self-inflicted scars-it never gets easier to see young people dealing with these things (or at least, it is my deepest prayer that it never gets easy)-but I expected my experience ease the impact a bit in the chance that I ever had to see any of these things within my students. False.

My students have been working on writing their autobiography: they were asked to think of any combination of three events or people that have impacted their very being, shaping their personality. After much thought and deliberation by many students, I was constantly bombarded with questions like:
            "Miss B., are we going to be presenting these?"
           "Miss Blackburn, who all is going to be reading these papers?"
           "Can we write about whatever we want, Miss B.?"
           "Mrs. Blackburn (no matter how many times I tell them I'm not married,it still happens)-
            is anyone other than you going to look at these papers?"

After plenty of reassuring them that I am the only person going to be looking at these papers unless I feel the need to get someone else involved, and urging them to not confess to any crimes in their autobiographies, the students have begun pouring out their hearts and fears on their papers (some more legible than others). I spend most of class time walking around pointing the talkers back on track or pushing the chair-tippers forwards, but when I get the chance to stop and read over someone's shoulder, I am frequently left speechless. I pray that it never gets easy.

The first week of school, I remember telling a friend that I preferred a school that had more "issues" and less "perfect children" than my corporation appeared. One would think that with my own coming from a school full of suicides and drug overdoses, cutting and hidden sexual harassment, I would have been more open-minded to the truth that no school is full of "perfect children"-no matter what its demographics.  Golly, how much more wrong could I have been.  

As I look over their shoulders, I am witness to an outpouring of stories centered around incarceration, death, cuts and scars, suicide attempts, depression, domestic violence and abandonment.  As I look around the room, into their giggles, smiles and incessant chatter, I can't believe the lives they have lived before entering my room. My heart returns home heavy after another day of learning more of the truth behind the attitudes and defiance. I pray it never gets easy.

I am saddened for this coming generation: one that few will not be exposed to violence and depression, one who body is often displayed for all to see, one who watches their celebrity idols die, be sent to rehab and dance like nobody should at the VMAs (but that is a different topic ;)) Today was different though-for the first time my mind wandered to the Creator of this generation and the pain He must endure each day as He watches us be slumped with reality. I can not even fathom the amount of love He holds in His heart for each of us, how great the desire to hold these hurting children in His arms and how hard it is for Him to let us be. I am grateful that He is there to comfort each of my students in their time of desperation and am left speechless at His desire to use me. 

Tonight, I will say a prayer, Thanking the Father of the Fatherless for His part, Begging Him to wrap my seventh graders in His arms, and lastly, I will Pray that it never gets easy to see their stories and to hear their grief.  

Summer of Provision

God's provision has never been more evident to be than it was this summer. I think God knew just how much I needed Him to make himself visible this summer and to steer me through all of the obstacles because, man, I was in over my head. Let's just take a look:

1.) R.I.P Silver Stallion: My best friend from Colorado was in Ohio because of family for a few months. Since we don't get to see each other too often, we try to jump on every opportunity we have.  I was planning on driving to see her two days before she was officially leaving: It was going to be a quick trip and since it was summer, weather wasn't an issue. I packed up and left, only to have my car lock up about twenty minutes outside of Huntington. My parents thought it was the power steering and that I just needed fluid so I used my muscles to get the rest of the way to Huntington. The further I drove, the more my car slowed and the harder it was to drive-I would pull over and let it rest and it would go for a bit and then stop again. I managed to turn into AutoZone (right next to the University so I was on familiar territory). Turns out it wasn't the power steering....the engine just literally died on me. 

Wondering how my car dying, thus preventing me from seeing my best friend before she moved across the country proves God's presence? Well, I was blessed with great friends that lent me their vehicles when I needed a car. As God would have it, after much prayer and budgeting-not to mention the work of my father calling every car ad around-my uncle's car dealership happened to get in a car that they usually wouldn't buy. It was in great condition with minimal miles and the dealership hoped to make a lot off of it after buying it cheap. He cut us a deal and soon I had a car. God Provides. 

2.) There's more than Corn in Indiana:It was June and after applying for any available job in the surrounding towns for the summer, I had absolutely no leads. (Granted, this did come in handy when my car died because I had no way to get to work) I finally broke down my pride and posted online that I needed help. I needed money to get a car and a car to get a job and I desperately needed money. A flood of friends began offering their cars to me if I needed them and even more unexpected was the person who offered me a job. We had gone to pre-school, middle school and high school together as well as different 4-H events, yet I could have probably counted on one hand the number of unnecessary interactions that we had had in all of those years. She popped up on my Facebook saying that she needed help at the Indiana Beach Campgrounds with activities this summer and that she could get me a job if I applied (I hadn't even gotten my application completed before she was informing me as to when training started). 

I went to training and concluded this was going to be the perfect job. There was a lot of down time that I could spend reading, applying for jobs and preparing for the school year and the rest of the time was spent doing activities with campers. I was basically a well-paid camp counselor (only I rarely actually did work) It was perfect! God Provides!

About a month later, Kroger called me saying that I could have my old summer job at the gas station back and after talking with the manager, I signed on to work the late night shift as a cashier. They knew that I was only going to be working about a  month and yet, they hired me! God provides in abundance!

3.) Driving Miss Danni: As I said, I was blessed with amazing friends who offered up their vehicles when I needed to drive, and a mother who works at home, thus rarely needed her van. This was great and I don't want to undercut my appreciation for all of these people; however, I was still hoping to be getting a big-girl job in a month or two and needed a car, yet still had barely any money (the product of working a volunteer job for 3-years while in college). My dad was searching every add and looking at any number of cars every night after work in order to find something, yet we were still having no luck. He stopped in at my uncles car dealership one night just to see if by any chance they had something within my price range (which was a big gamble because they would rarely have something within my range). To his surprise, they had just gotten in a vehicle that they only bought because they figured they could make a large profit off of. Uncle Rick worked it out so that they were barely making anything off of it and expedited the buying process. Dad and I dropped by to take it on a test drive for a weekend and I loved it. We went it the next business day and the car was mine! God provides!

4.) Becoming Miss B.:  This was probably the most frustrating part of the entire process. Before the school year had even ended, I began applying for teaching jobs everywhere in Indiana (I had no preference where I ended up as long as it was close enough to still be a Big Sister and was teaching middle school) I eventually broadened my area to include Ohio and Kentucky and parts of Michigan. I was thrilled with right off the bat, I received an interview and even more bummed to learn that they had to fill the position before I was able to make a trip down there (literally like 2 days later). Nearly 50 applications later (not an exaggeration) and beginning of July, I hadn't heard anything from anyone else...not even an interview. It seemed as though everyone that I had graduated with was being called for all sorts of interviews and being offered multiple jobs, when I still had nothing. I was breaking down, praying for God's direction and provision. 

I happened to be home one day when I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. I, of course, let it go to voicemail, and then was elated when it was the Principal of Indian Springs Middle School in Columbia City (about 20 minutes from HU where the majority of my friends still resided). I called right back and set up an interview on my next day off. Mom ironed my suit and I prepared all of my materials, making sure I was leaving in order to be there about a half hour early just in case I got lost.  Not even ten minutes from my house, my NEW CAR made a popping sound and abruptly decided it didn't want to move anymore. I managed to get it off to the side of the road as gas fumes quickly overtook the car. I flashed back to gas station training and old Oprah episodes about cars exploding because of cell phone waves and how you shouldn't get out of the car unless fire happens so that I wouldn't let a spark off of my body ignite the car. Panicked, I called my mom and begged her to find someone quick to watch the babysitting kids while she brought me the van. I then called the school corporation in tears saying that my new car broke down and despite the fact that I was running early, I would probably be late when the sweetest lady on the other side said to breathe, calm down and not to worry just to get there when I could. Mom came with one of the babysitting kids' dads who just happened to be a mechanic: He concluded that my gas line popped off and that I was lucky because the car could have certainly exploded. I jumped in the van and through my sobbing, began the drive yet again to Columbia City following the GPS. Conviently, the GPS led me to the middle of a corn field, leaving me to enter a local bank where only Ft. Wayne residents worked who were kind enough to find a woman who gave me directions to the school.

FINALLY, I pulled in, straightened my suit, still flustered by the mornings events and met the Principal (with being late, the assistant principal was unable to be there, I thought this would be an automatic no hire situation).  The interview went smoothly and about two weeks later, I accepted the position that I was sure I wouldn't get-a 7th Grade Writing position despite all of the hassle with the interview! God Provides Gracefully!

After a week in the position, and after attending my Huntington church yet again, as I sit on campus using the wifi that I no longer pay 32, 000 dollars for, I am confident in God's provision through each step getting me here this summer. God amazes me each day and I will forever remember the summer of my 22 year when everything seemed like it was going wrong-just when God turned everything around!