A Letter to My Students

May 28, 2014

Dear Students,

This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to write…other than those twenty some page papers in college. I have been putting this off because writing this truly does mean that my year with you is over. I know most teachers only get a year with their students, unless you are blessed like Mr. Blake to have you all more; however, everyone else will have the opportunity of watching you continue to grow up and mature into the beautiful people that you are becoming. They will get visits during lunch and free time, will get to attend sporting events and other competitions and still remain connected in your lives if you choose for them to, but for me, this is it. This is the day that I have been dreading for the last several months since knowing I was not going to be returning. I want you to know a couple of things.

1.)    I am not leaving this position or moving to Missouri because of anything you have done or said. It is everything you’ve done and said and the wonderful teachers I have gotten to work with that have almost made me regret my decision to leave every day because I know how much I am going to miss you. The first year teaching is always a tough one and I thank you for your joy, excitement, determination and forgiveness throughout this crazy year. I truly could not have imagined a better group of students to experience this with-you have prepared me so much for my job next year and have given me the hope to one day return to teaching when the time is right.

2.)   I will still continue to be here for you if you choose for me to be. You can reach me through all the craziness of social media-most of you have already found me so consider this an open challenge come June 3. Many of you have had adults come into your life for a season, the season that many of them were getting some kind of pay out for-only to feel like they abandoned you as soon as they could. These people could have been your parents, other teachers, coaches, youth leaders, mentors…whatever. But, I’m not going to be one of those people. I don’t love each of you because it is my job and I don’t want to know about your personal lives because I have to. I want to be involved in your life and will continue to pray for you and remain one of your biggest fans whether you like it or not. If you need someone, I will be there.

3.)   I am proud of and thankful for each and every one of you. Some of you have been determined to prove that I hate you all year long and I hope you realize that you have wasted your time. I don’t care who you are…you have made this year one to remember. Each and every one of you are leaving the seventh grade a better person than when you walked in. Many of you came in barely doing any of the assignments and not being super competent in all subjects, however, I have seen most of you make leaps towards success in these areas. You are making steps towards maturity-taking personal responsibility not only for mere assignments, but for your learning. You are learning the balance between silliness and serious.  You are daring to ask questions and seek a deeper understanding of humanity and life around you. You you have grown in confidence both in your abilities and in yourselves…confidence truly is key to everything you will do. If you don’t believe in yourselves, you can’t expect others to believe in you. Having confidence is the first step in doing anything-your actions will follow your attitude.

4.)  Respect authority. No matter where you are or who you are, there is always going to be someone above you. Even if you don’t like them or agree with them, they deserve your respect. Sometimes it is hard, but it is necessary to bite your tongue and get down to business. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it is good to argue for what you believe in…but always do it in a respectful tone. Don’t feel like you have to win every argument because eventually you won’t. Know when to give in and step back in respect. Respect doesn't mean you have to like the person-it simply means that you will speak positively and cooperate with them. It also never hurts to thank the people above you for their work in your lives.

5.)   Life is tough, get a helmet. Most of you have learned this already and I apologize for any sad circumstances and tough battles that you have had to fight. I would love to stand here as a 23-year-old and tell you that it is only up from here, but the truth is…life is always tough-you just have to find your reason to fight. You will experience love…and broken hearts, hope and hopelessness. You will have moments of great accomplishment and moments of shear disappointment. For some of you, you may fight to prove everyone around you wrong. Some of you want to make a difference in the world. Some of you want to do better or be better than your family. Others want to be famous or make a lot of money. Whatever your reason, remember that and never give up fighting for what you want out of life. People are going to get in your face- tell you that you’re not good enough, that you can’t do it, that you’re not smart enough, talented enough, beautiful enough, rich enough, that you don’t come from the right background or school, that you don’t have enough experience or that your past is just too much. Whatever other people say….remember that the fight is worth it because you deserve the best. Sometimes waking up each morning, bringing school supplies to school, doing your homework, attending practice, putting in that extra time to really be good is going to seem like it is stupid-It’s not. If you want to get somewhere good in life-where each of you deserve to be- you are going to have to face adversity and you’re going to have to fight for it. At some points you are going to have to prove that you are worth it and it is going to seem impossible…remember that it isn’t. Keep fighting. Keep believing. You’re worth it.

I have been thinking about what the number one thing I wanted you to remember when you walk out of my doors for the last time is; and although I am a writing teacher-it’s not anything about punctuation, capitalization, spelling, pre-writes or Six Traits-although it would be great for you to recall each of those things. If there is only one thing that you remember from my class, remember that you are worth it. Many of you have already been told that you aren't deserving or have the belief that you will never make it very far in life because others have told you. Those are lies-lies that I have been trying to fight with you for the last nine months. However, it is proven fact that it takes so many more times of hearing the truth to stop believing the lie. I don’t want you to walk out of the seventh grade and into the summer or eighth grade or any of your future defeated. I want you to remember that you are worth it…after brainstorming with a friend; we devised the idea of getting each of you MudLove Bands reading that phrase. You see, MudLove is a company that takes literal mud and makes bands out of it while donating the profit to clean water campaigns. Think of it, mud is gross, thick gunk that we don’t think a whole lot about, yet many people are wearing this jewelry-making it worth something. Now these bands were not something super cheap, so I enlisted my support system---a group of people that could one day be your employers, professors, teachers, friends, mentors and more. These people each donated money to prove to you that you are worth it. They went out of their way because they wanted to show you that you are loved and deserving of the best. There is nothing that you have had to do for these people to prove that you are worth it and there is nothing you will ever need to do other than to believe that you are. You are worth it. You are worth the fight. You are worth the hard work. You are worth the grades. You are worth the late night games and early morning practices. You are worth the money spent. You are worth the hours put in. You are worth throwing away the razor blades. You are worth eating the next meal. You are worth taking your next breath and throwing down all the self hate. You are worth everything. You have made this last year worth my college education….If you were the only students that I ever had the privilege of teaching, all of that work would have been worth it. Please, if there is one thing you remember. Remember you are worth it.

I don’t expect each of you to wear these bands, but I do expect each of you to rise to the occasion of believing you’re worth it. However, I do ask that you just keep this band-hang it somewhere,  wear it, put it somewhere you can see it and any time you look at it-remember how much you are loved and how much confidence I have in each of your futures…not to mention the confidence that these complete strangers have in you.

I love you all.

Class dismissed. 

I Jumped (Part 2): I Touched the Water Beneath.

A couple of months ago, I wrote a post about taking a leap of faith-I resigned from a solid position within the public education system that was utilizing my degree and keeping me close to family and friends. I made this decision within a couple of weeks and to make it crazier, turned in my resignation before ever searching for a replacement job. I remain grateful for the prayers and support of many friends throughout the last few months of leaping and wanted to catch everyone up as to where I stand now. 

Jumping was, in part, the result of a discussion with a mentor over feeling that test-driven teaching wasn't for me at this point in my life. She nudged me to look into group homes for teens-a position that would utilize my passion for connection and relationship without burning me out on shoving punctuation down students' throats. I never knew these positions existed-thought it is something I've always wanted to do. I remember playing with my dozens of imaginary friends and Barbies that they were all a part of a ranch for kids who started walking down the wrong path and I was helping to get them back. I remember watching movies about animal therapy and being captivated by the idea-I wanted to be doing that. As time does, my dreams faded to reality and I majored in English Education so I could imitate Hillary Swank in freedom writers and heal all of the problems through writing. I'm not going to lie, I have seen students make progress through written word-but spending 8 hours a day pouring myself into these students only for them to go home to chaotic brokenness. I leave the school every day wishing I could do more...longing to be able to work more with students lives than their test scores. 

After that conversation with my mentor, I turned to Google (yes, very professional job searching technique). I don't even remember what exactly I googled, probably something like group homes or teen residential programs. Those searches led to tons of questionnaires as to why I needed a group home before finally sifting through to the employment opportunities. I already knew of one organization called Mooseheart near Chicago (a mere 3 hours away from my homestead) because a couple friends from college worked there...so of course I applied. I decided that it was irresponsible to apply for just one job so I continued looking until I found Shelterwood in Missouri (a whopping 9 hours from comfort). I went through the tedious application process for both locations-writing several pages a piece on my philosophy of discipline and children and ministry in general. It seemed Cray Cray (as my good friend, Hollie Parker would say), but I didn't feel the urge to apply for any more positions. I simply prayed...not nearly as much as one should have and trusted that God had it all in His hands-that sometime soon my foot that I had stepped out of the boat with would touch solid water. 

Within a week of each other, I completed a phone interview with Shelterwood and went on location to Mooseheart for an entire day of interviewing. I enjoyed Mooseheart, but in the back of my mind was hoping that I would get the confirmation call from Shelterwood while I was there because my heart just wanted it. I wasn't holding out much faith and would often let my thoughts travel to a future of working at Wal-Mart because I was never meant to step out of the boat of education. Yet, sometimes God does grant the desires of our heart and the day after I returned from Chicago, I received an email from Shelterwood saying that they wanted me. I have to admit, I had been checking my phone and email extra regularly for the days surrounding that one because I knew I was supposed to know soon. I happened to sit down during passing period to check my email that day and read the hopeful words, screamed and burst into tears as students walked questionably into my room. I will admit that I was more than a little shocked for God to come through on this desire because I tend to think that He would rather ignore my wishes on a regular basis. 

Excitement only lasted for so long before sheer fear overran any happiness that I had. I had never been out of the state of Indiana for more than a week in my entire 23 years of life and now I would be picking up...alone...and moving nine hours from anyone and everyone that I have ever known. I have no idea what each day will have in store for me and I will be relying on my faith more than ever before. My brother will no longer be able to come spend weekends with me and I won't see my closest friends every couple of days. I struggle with a despise loneliness and yet it seemed like I was moving to ensure that I would be lonely. My team of teachers was excited for this opportunity, but I can't help be saddened by the fact that I am leaving the four of them who have become friends. My students battled comments of me abandoning them and protesting never seeing me again-things that hurt more than any other fact of moving. 

Even today, I walked around my alma mater-Huntington University- with my mentor's dog. I have walked the campus loop probably a hundred times in the last 5 years, but today I took the near mile loop slower-knowing that I won't just be able to come and make this walk every week like the last five years. I took in the beauty and let memories flood my mind with each step of campus. I remember being terrified to move an hour away from the home that I had always known to college and then basically made it a criterion for last year's job searching to be near this comfort zone. I have made this place home and most of my friends still reside here nine months of the year, yet I have to pull myself to pack up and move 9 hours away in the next two months. My brother's 13th birthday is this Thursday and because of work will be the first birthday (or holiday in general) that I have not been with him in his lifetime. As sad as that makes me, knowing that it is potentially the first of many as I move makes it harder.

The love that I know hold for this place that I not-so-long-ago feared gives me hope that Independence, Missouri holds the same possibilities for being home if I allow it. I will be working with the type of students that I love the most-the ones who try their best to reject that love. I will be working alongside people close to my age (something I have grown to miss in the past year-WHERE IN THE WORLD DO ALL THE 20 SOMETHIGNS GO AFTER COLLEGE?!)I will be a part of some intense discipleship as well as having caring leaders over me doing the same. I will be a part of an organization that changes the lives of teenagers through the healing message of Christ's love without having to tip toe around faith like in a public school setting. I will be working to create a relationship of discipleship with a small group of girls- working as a mentor in their healing process of growing closer to Jesus. I will not have to see my students come back into my door each morning slipping back after returning home the night before. I will get the comfort of knowing that most of the girls are there because their Jesus-loving parents care about them enough to get them help. I will get to again live in a strong community of women while working in ministry and am beyond hopeful and excited for the opportunities to come oh so soon. 

Basically-I don't know which I am more of...anxious, nervous or excited. With each though I can see both the positives and negatives of moving and taking this leap of faith. I'm sure Peter too flashed through all the possibilities when he stepped out of the boat to his Savior. Even in those split seconds before his feet touched the water beneath, I'm sure there were flashes of the uncertain potential of drowning....but the truth stands that he didn't drown. Jesus was there to hold him on that water and I know that he is there to hold my hand on this unsteady water in the upcoming months. I hope to continue to keep this blog active in the near future as a release of the emotions of packing up and moving as well as in the next year to correspond with whoever wants to know what I am up to in Independence. Independence...it just hit me that I am moving to a very place that means freedom...my focus of this last year. This will, for sure, be a step of freedom in faith, and healing.