A New Name

I was saving two seats for friends when I went to church today. I was the only one in the row and nobody had bothered to sit next to me so I didn't even bother putting something on the two neighboring seats to ensure room for my friends. However, just minutes before the sermon was supposed to start, and just seconds before my friends would walk through the sanctuary doors, an elderly man came and sat in my row, leaving only one seat empty beside me.

If you know me, you know that I am one of the least confrontational people you will ever meet and I am absolutely shy when it comes to strangers. There was no way I could muster up the courage to ask this man to scoot over a seat, though there was plenty of room to his left. I would let him be, even if that meant that I would be sitting alone for the service, surrounded on all four sides by people I didn't know. [not to mention, they were adults that I did not know...which makes it all that much worse.] 

I was nervous to say the least. What if the preacher said something especially moving and I teared up? What if the Spirit really stirred in my heart, leading me to tears or kneeling and praying? What if the worship rang in my heart, probing me to raise a hand? What if the people around me neglected to sing, making my voice the loud one though usually out of tune?

Of course the sermon would start out with a saddening movie featuring children starving and neck deep in poverty in the Dominican Republic. [I can't even watch one of those commercials about starving dogs without tearing up, much less adorable children] I could feel a tear welling in my eye. The speaker continued, causing me to laugh a few times and sit in a state of solemn prayer after all was said and done. The worship was heartfelt, leading me to hold out my hand as a flag of surrender.

It was freeing. I allowed God to move me however He wanted regardless of the strangers surrounding me. I realized that even though I typically sit next to people I feel completely at home with, I still restrict the God of the Universe so that I don't act in any way that others may not appreciate. I am worshiping the God who sent His son to bare a crown of thorns yet I am still totally self-conscious.

Ironically [if there is irony in Christianity] the sermon was on "Wow moments" The moments that God gives us a new name, leading us to complete surrender. Once again, ironically, my name "Danielle" means "God is my judge" yet I often allow other people to trump this judge. Today God different give me a new name, He graced me with confidence in my old one.

Living Free

When I was little, I remember begging my parents to go to DisneyWorld. I wanted to see the princesses, I wanted to ride the rides, meet Mickey Mouse in person, get all of the autographs...you get the point. When I was little I loved my AmericanGirl dolls, I had one that looked just like me. I loved caring for them, taking them everywhere as if they were a real little girl. Little did I know that ten years later I would be finding out about the tears that went into making those dolls and the famed Disney T-Shirts. I would find out that the very items that make so many American children skip with glee are the same ones that chain children of the same age to work areas, forcing them to sew the shirts or put together the dolls for me to play with. 

Sitting at my computer, I am disgusted. The very thought of slavery in general [especially after this country long ago abolished it] makes me cringe, but thinking about the children sweating over, crying over, being beaten over, longing for their next meal over the very things that brought me joy and companionship as a child is repulsing. 

I sat at my computer tonight and looked up companies that were not free trade [free of slavery] the list was shocking. Things that I use to get by on a daily basis were all made through blood, sweat and tears.....mostly of drastically underpaid and abused children. CoverGirl, Crest, Cologate, Pepsi, Nestle, Hershey, Apple, Dell, Kelloggs...I could make the list go on and on. [go to http://chainstorereaction .com/home/ to see a list of more companies]

A little boy harvesting the chocolate that would soon be in my candy bars

Beauty products often use children to mine the mica, one of the main ingredients found in most make-up. Chocolate companies use children to harvest the cocoa while drastically underpaying them. Clothing companies higher children to sew the clothes and operate machinery [though child labor has long been outlawed].

I came away from Chapel tonight with my heart being pulled to live a fair trade life. I went to a survey to see how many slaves that I owned based on the items that I consume and it turned out that I was responsible for nearly 36 slaves! [go to slaveryfootprint.org to take the 11 question survey] Yes, this number could be off....and it's not like I own these slaves, but I do keep them in work by buying from the companies that abuse them. I was determined that I was not going to be responsible for the blood sweat and tears any longer. I got on the list to see what companies I needed to stop shopping with....only to find the list consumed nearly every product I use, making it nearly impossible, for me a poor college student to afford to shop elsewhere. My heart sank.

So I may not be completely able to live a free life [which sickens me], but I can cut down on the things that I don't need. I can cut out chocolate and pop [it'd be a good life decision anyway], I can try to avoid shopping at certain stores that are notorious for supporting slavery. I can write a blog and spread the word in order to challenge others who are more able. I can make people aware of the labor behind their everyday supplies, their childhood joys. But in the end, I pass the buck to you: I keep on praying because it's all I can do. I can not let my heart grow calloused to modern-day slavery and hope that it will soon be just another chapter in the history books. 

If you're heart is now plagued [like it should be] check out these apps that will provide you with the fair trade grades of companies...carry it with you as you shop! free2work and free world are just two of the many apps. 

two child minners

"It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
   be compassionate and loyal in your love"

~Micah 6:8 (the message)

 

Lists Lists Lists

Anyone that knows me has probably at some point in time been aggravated because of my obsession with lists. I make a list for everything: what I need to do each day, goals I have for the month/semester, pros and cons for nearly every decision I make (sometimes even as bad as what/where I eat). I am a list girl. I like to analyze [I know, weird characteristic for someone so bad at math and science to have] every possibility to figure out which would be the most beneficial for myself and everyone else involved.

These lists aren't just a little thing: I often spend a few hours making pros and cons for such things as what job to take/keep, {ya'll should have seen my four page lists on whether I should be a CMC again}, which relationships to really dive into, which dorm to live in....what to do over the summer. I'm telling you, these things are massive.

Yet, as I found myself making lists over the past week for various crucial choices, I heard God echoing something He has written on my heart time and time again, "Be still and know that I am God...let me do my job Danni, trust me." 

You see, I have this issue with taking things into my own hands. I find myself surrendering so many times only to take everything I just let go, clutching it tighter than before. {it's like the bigger sister game of giving your little brother something only to take it away two seconds later}God is challenging me to forget the lists, to throw them away and just follow Him. My lists are taking my now and my future into my own incapable hands. My lists are saying that I have enough credentials to plan out my own life based on my own flawless {yeah right!} human reasoning.

So, for the umteenth million time, I am surrendering my lists. I am surrendering my control because clearly, me driving the boat isn't getting me where I want to be right now. Instead of making a list for everything, I will have one thought, one question: Is this God's will or my own?

Peace like a River

Peace: (noun) cessation of or freedom from any strife or dissension.

Content: (adjective) satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.

During the CHRISTmas season, I often times let my mind wander [partly because my brain is being fried by finals and papers]and it often times leads me to meditate on words of the season. You know, those words that are on the front of every CHRISTmas card, the ones that appear as every other word in carols, the ones that you can find spelled out in lights. Joy, Praise, Thankfulness, and Peace and just a few that immediately come to mind, and I will spare you from making an even bigger list and add one more repetition of them to your day. 

Anyways, PEACE [or paz as my Spanish final would show] has been the word at the forefront of my mind lately with a variety of situations at hand. I am a person who loves to be in control of my life [and maybe sometimes the lives of others], part of this has been learning to find contentment in all of my circumstances. Sure, the job market is scatter-brained, but I have grown content with an English Education major and don't know what I would do if I had to change. I have been single for 20 years of life and am perfectly content remaining single for the rest of my life. I am content in just attending my church at school and not venturing into it much further. I am content at being a Campus Ministries Coordinator on my floor for two years and living on the same floor my entire college life. I am content with my friend group and have to push myself to expand it. 

I am learning that circumstances are always changing. Last year, I was content with having my best friends just a minute away. This semester, I was pushed to become content with two of my best friends living 10 hours and 27 hours away from me. Next semester, I am being pushed to be content with my best friend moving to England [a.k.a. no texting or calling and a 6 hour time difference instead of 2]. Life changes. What I have to be content with changes.

However, I am learning that maybe there is a difference between being content and being at peace with something: two words that would often being considered synonymous [thats a really big word for me]. The more I think though, the more that I see the definitions differently. Content means being at peace with what you have RIGHT now, the circumstances that you are in RIGHT now. Contentment is constantly evolving. Being at peace is being content in where you are right now AND where you could be five seconds from now at the same time. Peace isn't found in a situation or occupation or group of people or major or relationship status...Peace can be found only in the God of the Universe Himself. 

John 14:27 says "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you...Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."  Perfect Peace transcends our present life, it calms our hearts and quiets our deepest fears. Isaiah 66:12 says that God grants us peace like a river. Now, I am not a Bible expert in the least since of the word, but when I think of rivers [a metaphor that is often cliche in the world of English], I think of life; of a source of water teaming with fish and plants; full of currents that can propel boats and rafts. I picture the crazy white river rapids, full of movement. Peace like a river: contentment in movement. 

Now how can we possible find peace when we are clinging to things of this present second? How can we be at peace with the future when we are begging the present to stay the same? When we cling to things of the now, we are bound to go crazy when our world is flipped upside down. When we cling to the rock in the river for dear life, the currents are bound to wipe us away [and down a waterfall if you watch enough movies]. We have to cling to the river itself. How do you cling to a river you might ask? Well, is it ironic that Jesus referred to himself as Living Water to the woman at the well? Wouldn't you consider a river to be live water? hmmm....let's put those two together shall we? We must cling to Jesus, we must come to have peace in the One that is moving us.

So, I give up on being content in the circumstances of the now. I'm throwing my hands up and saying Jesus take the wheel [might as well add another cliche right?]. If God so chooses to change my relationship status, I will be at peace. If God decides to kill Skype [the way I will survive not hearing my best friend for like 5 months], I will have peace. If God decides that I need to move out of the state that I have called home for 20 years, so be it. I will have peace like a river. I will find peace in the Living Water. I will let go of the rock and jump to the ROCK. 

<3

 

Loosing Heart

I currently have a ten-page paper on Frankenstein and its research to do, but let's face it....I am temporarily giving up on making progress. I have been fighting being motivated for anything English-related for the entire semester. I used to love my English classes and then quickly learned to love education classes once I got into college. This semester though, it's like I have to fight to even put half of myself into a paper or class in these subjects....which I feel is not good since it is what I want am going to do for the rest of my life. 

I was talking to a good friend today about this loss of heart. I have always wanted to do something with teenagers, okay other than the first half of my life when I wanted to be a veterinarian (let's face it, my math skills put me behind in med. school). I wanted to be a teacher, a drug/eating disorder/abuse rehab counselor, someone who works at a ranch for troubled teens, a youth pastor, a speaker at Christian teen events and decided on an English teacher. 

I love working with teenagers, I feel like they are at such a critical time in life, which most people walk away from. They are coming to deal with pains that happened as a child, taking on their first serious relationships, being tempted to experiment with drugs and alcohol and really just beginning to figure out who they are. I have always found myself privileged to work with teens and minister to them during this time in their lives. I've always found it so rewarding. 

Last summer and this semester, I seem to be losing that. It seems like every week, I hear about another youth kid who is pregnant or about one of my kids' friends who is pregnant. Suicide is at an all-time high and doesn't seem to be going down any time soon. Drugs and alcohol are consumed just as much as fruits and vegetables. Physically and sexually abusive relationships seem to be more common than loving ones. Oh and, Christianity among the teenage popular seems to be at a low...and still deteriorating. 
I just don't understand, when I was in middle and high school, I clung to my faith to get me through everything...now it seems like faith is the thing to let go of first. Teens aren't dedicated to going to youth group and church, the attendance rates are dropping. If these kids don't learn this stuff now, when they need it most, how are they going to make it? Statistics say that it is rare for someone who doesn't have faith as a teen to pick up faith later on in life....and that "dropping" faith as they graduate high school is popular. My heart breaks with these statistics. My heart is growing harder with those statistics. Can I really make a difference in the lives of teens anymore? Is it possible for this generation to turn itself around? I honestly don't know anymore...I used to be so confident. The thought has crossed my mind to give up completely on this generation and change my major to one that has more promise, something that sounds really good on days when I have 10 page papers to write.

BUT....I was in my Middle School classroom the other day and the teacher passed out a simple worksheet. All the kids had to do is list five different people or groups of people that cared about their success...that invested time in them. Now some of these kids could have been being dramatic...but there were literally less than five kids out of 25 that could list FIVE people that cared about them! How sad is that!? Some of these kids wrote down my name...someone that was in their classroom for 2-3 hours a week for less than a semester...but I was the closest person they knew that cared about them. Sure, I knew the kids' names but that was about it...I don't know anything else about them.

So as I sit here with a loss of heart, I can't help but ponder that if the reason this generation seems to be degenerating is because of people like me...people who are losing heart...people who are giving up on them being any better than they are now. Maybe all these kids need is someone to invest in them, someone to believe in them, someone to simply care enough to learn their names. I can't necessarily say with as much confidence as I used to that I will end up being an English teacher for the rest of my life, though it is of high possibility, but I can say, I'm not giving up. The very reason I felt a call to go into high school education was because most of the students just need someone to care and I wanted to be that person. I am not giving up. I will fight losing heart. I will continue to invest and believe. 

{For Brandon, Tasia, Taylor, Taven, Chase, Hunter, Zach, Jasper, and all of the rest of my 8th grade students....I will continue to believe in you. You can achieve things beyond what you could ever imagine...I pray that each of you defy the odds that are stacked against you.}

{For all of my youth kids, I pray that you know that God will never walk away. God will always be waiting for you and I am always just a phone call away because I, too, am waiting for you to journey back. I love you with all of my heart.}

Break my Heart to what Breaks YOURS.

Well, giving credit where credit is due, this blog is partially inspired by a note that I just read that Miss. Stephanie Morin wrote...with my own twist of course. 

So this summer I have been waking up at 4:48 each morning to drag myself to the shower and then to work at the Kroger Fuel Center, yes...a gas station. Needless to say, I wasn't all that excited to sit in a little about 36 square foot box and talk to people thru a window, while trying to bite my tongue as countless complainers rant about the gas prices (mind you, I have to pay the same price they do). All of that being said, this job has brought me so much closer to God: I've spent my days reading, praying and journaling; spent breaks with my nose in His Word and have truly learned what it's like to have Him break my heart to everything that breaks His...okay maybe not everything, but a good majority.

My prayer the past two years has been for God to truly break my heart to what breaks His. Word of warning: if you pray for the God of the Universe to break your heart, be prepared. Though patience is one of my downfalls and I tend to only have compassion when I want to/think people deserve it, this job has led me to the place where Jesus dawned the crown of thorns for someone who didn't deserve it.  

Story Number One: An elderly lady come to the kiosk and asked for help getting the pump started. [I tend to get really frustrated with people who ask me to do this, because the pump says exactly what to do...you just have to read] Well, I stepped outside, glasses fogging because of the humidity and walked to, of course, the last pump. I began reading the pump out loud to her, and clicking the corresponding buttons. She then began to speak and I looked up, tears forming in her eyes...she went on to say that she never bothered to learn how to work these new pumps because her husband always made her stay in the car while he pumped the gas, but he had recently died. Here I was, frustrated because of the heat and the growing line of customers at the kiosk and this woman was in a state of mourning....beginning the long list of first she would do without her soulmate at her side. She broke my heart. God moved me to a place of compassion for those people who don't seem to read the instructions.


Story Number Two: Today I was sitting in the kiosk, enjoying the air conditioning and a momentary stall in traffic when one of the usuals walked up...seemingly distraught. She instructed me on what she wanted, neglecting to tell me which pump she was on. When I asked her, she snipped back her answer and then regretted her tone. She, unlike the majority of customers, apologized saying that he was having a horrible day. She was on her way home and her husband had just been sentenced to 20 years in prison...she has no job and doesn't know what is going to come next. I was left speechless, I had no idea what to say...my usual "HAVE A NICE DAY MA'AM" didn't seem fitting...but nothing else did either. She broke my heart. God moved me to a place where words meant nothing, instead a gentle smile and a short, unheard prayer was all that was needed. 


This dreaded job has grown to be an grand blessing I know must have been nothing less than God orchestrated. It is growing more apparent that it is more important to "be Christ" than to "talk about Christ": the smile, and manners seems to mean more than the fact that a book about Christ sits on the counter next to me. I am constantly reminded that everyone has a story, a reason for their moods, manners whatever. Maybe they grew up in a home with an addicted single mother who never bothered to teach manners. Maybe their bank account is withering away and if they are in a hurry to get to work-the only source of money. Maybe they've been separated from a loved one, thru death or bars. Maybe someone is sick, on their final breaths and they just need to get enough gas to make it before they're gone. 


Whatever the person's story, it's not my place to grow testing and impatient. It's not my place to get annoyed with their seeming incompetence. Christ calls us to more...to show gentleness, love, patience, self-control and respect. I will continue to pray that God breaks my heart to what breaks His, allowing Him to fill the cracks with compassion, patience and the rest of the righteous fruits.


-D

Fair Withdrawl

The White County Fair is here...my favorite time of summer...I have looked forward to this one week of summer for pretty much all of my life. At first it was the animals, then it was exploring the projects, then actually making the projects....walking animals, endless card games, naps in pens, watching the queen get crowned...the list goes on. The fair was something that I did really well...not to brag...I took home good ribbons most years and even got a few trophies and my name on the leader boards year after year. 

The younger members looked up to me, I spent hours during each fair helping younger members finger out their projects. People around the fair knew who I was...I basked in the glory of leading people through the barns showing off my animals and ribbons....filling them in on random facts about each species that none of them probably wanted to know.

My ten years were up two years ago, but last year I did the queen contest which was enough for my fair time. So this year is my first fair week without anything to do: no animals to walk, no ribbons to show-off, no breed facts to memorize, no milkshakes to make...nothing. The week is mine to do whatever I want...yet all I want to do is do what I always did best...be a 4-Her. I spent today begging others to let me help them...to have something to do, but it still isn't the same.

I guess something inside me thought that the dozens of ribbons, few trophies, and names on the champion boards would earn me some sort of spot in the fair hall of fame...to be remembered....false. All of this leads me back to Solomon in the book of Ecclesiastes. He comes to the conclusion that everything under the sun is meaningless. Money is really worth nothing, knowledge doesn't earn anything of value, success doesn't last forever...everything under the sun...meaningless. 

When I first read this I was shocked...could it really be that everything was MEANINGLESS?! That is a pretty harsh word. It's true...those ribbons and honors won me fame while it lasted, but that perished. Being a 4-Her added to my identity...but who does that make me now? Being on the champion boards gave me affirmation...but that name will soon peel off the boards like the rest. Everything was meaningless....especially when you try to think of a circumstance in which knowing all the body parts of a chicken will come of use.

Now I'm not saying I regret my ten years...I just want to give members a heads up to not let the ribbons become your identity....your identity can only be found in one thing...the cross. Everything under the sun really is meaningless in the long run....