Herded. Psalm 23.

I don't know why, but it never ceases to surprise me when God speaks so directly to my heart. This isn't a new experience or one that is directed solely at me-people have been hearing from God since the beginning of the world...literally. This morning I fought the ever present urge to sleep off the headache that another restless night had left me with to drive a half hour to and from church. I was not keen on the idea, but had recently committed to fighting off the summer blues by attending every Sunday until Missouri and didn't want to fail the second week in. I went, sat in my usual seat (for the past 5 years) only to have Pastor Mike Hill speak the fuel that I have been praying for and with so many of my friends entering some imperative decision making days, I wanted to share the gist of his words. If you do have time...(quite frankly, just stop reading this and go), feel free to check out the link for podcast of this morning when it's updated.

 Life Church, Huntington Podcast

Have you ever noticed that the closer you grow to God, the more uncertain your future seems? Mike nailed me with the opening sentence of the message. Bumming it this summer as well as the long list of unknown involving my Missouri move in just over a month, has forced me to come face to face with God on a more regular basis. Yet in this time of proximity to Him, the only thing I seem to know is that I am moving to Missouri August 10. That isn't enough for a controller like myself. Mike went on to open with Psalm 23, a popular one that begins with "The Lord is my shepherd." I didn't grow up in the church and yet I knew this passage...yet, Mike spun it...it isn't inherent that He is our shepherd just because we are Christians-just as we are not automatically placed on the narrow road mentioned in the Gospels. The Lord being our shepherd is a conscious decision that we have to say yes to...and live by. We have to be willing to follow Him no matter where He is guiding us, being confident that when the wolf attacks, He will stand between us.

I have recently been conscious about my dependence on my GPS, despite the fact that is fails me every now and then. I was driving to a friend's house last week in a part of Ft. Wayne that I had never been to, yet I was utterly confident I was going to arrive at my destination because I had the GPS. Even when I missed a sudden turn, the GPS recalculated the next route for me. Driving to Missouri, the longest drive I will have made alone, I won't look at the map, I will simply follow wherever the GPS tells me to go and if she fails me, I will call home. The GPS enables me to drive off the route, to stop for breaks, to do whatever I want because I know she will recalculate. That's not the kind of following that Psalm 23 is speaking of.  Mike recounted driving to Florida to a destination that he didn't even know the address of-he was simply following a friend in front of him who DID know where they were headed. I hate this type of driving....I'm always terrified that I am going to be the car in the caravan to get pulled over for speeding or going through the red light that everyone else made through on yellow, and don't even get me started on what happens when someone pulls out in front of me, thus separating me from the rest of the crew. I panic, I get aggressive, I'll ride their tail until they get in the other lane-I'm simply not going to allow someone to separate me from the one that actually knows where we are headed. That's the kind of following that we are being summoned to when we take on "The Lord as my shepherd".

Why do I not get as aggressive with Satan as He so often cuts me off from the one I am following who actually knows where I am headed? Why do I still consciously choose to take pit stops and detours because the route can be recalculated? Why do I not do whatever I can to stay with Him?

Mike went on to enlist Romans 12:1-2 to talk about "renewing your mind"- three simple words that we often skew. We know we are to fuel ourselves with the Word-it is often called our "guidebook" or "directions for life", yet our efforts often end up lost. Mike recounted a story (to be honest, I spaced out in thought during much of this, but I have the highlights) about a man who encountered Mother Theresa: He asked her to pray for clarity over his life- a prayer that I have so often been reciting recently. Mother T. praying clarity over you, how much better could it get? Stop. She refused, she told the man that she would never pray those words for him because "Clarity removes trust". Basically, when we are clear about the direction of our lives, we can abandon the director. We often go to Scripture for direction; yet the primary purpose of Scripture isn't necessarily to provide us direction for our lives (though it does do that much of the time), rather it provides us with directions back to the director so we can follow Him.

 It pulls back to the idea of the Lord being our shepherd- what would a sheep do with a map? Even if it could read it, it would probably screw up the directions somehow, instead it just loyally follows his master. I'm definitely not a shepherd by definition, but I have grown up showing and raising herd animals: From the time that the baby animals are born, the point is to grow them trusting enough to follow easily for show. For goats, you have a lead or a collar of some kind and for sheep, you take hold of their face-yet during show you don't want it to look like you are tugging on these too much, instead the animal should just kind of walk next to you because you are its leader...its shepherd. Every year, it never fails that one of these animals will break free of their owner...they run around the ring and just do their own thing while all of the ring helpers work it into a smaller space. On the rare occasion, you will see a tame enough animal get lose only to simply stand next to it's owner; if the animal gets separated, you'll see it run full force back to the owner as soon as it catches a glimpse of them. Which are you; the animal who breaks free and runs or the animal who find themselves lost and runs back to the shepherd? Who are you trusting? 

We have one purpose in this world: To simply be growing nearer to Jesus and letting that relationship take us wherever He chooses. Simple, when we abandon the GPS where we are frantically reading street signs and mile markers, hectically turning onto passes too soon-making it recalculate our route and instead, simply keep our eyes on our friend who has the route memorized, stress is alleviated, holds are broken...we are granted a new kind of peace and freedom in the ride. 

The long list of the unknown has no hold on me because "The Lord is my shepherd. I lack nothing." I no longer want to fill my prayers begging for clarity because, today, God answered my second most-frequent prayer-to be known. God proved that He is listening to me, that He knows where I am and more importantly where I'm going. I am known by God, herded by the most faithful shepherd. What else is there to be clear about? 
 

<3

6 Traits Adults Lack that Children Pointed Out

I have to admit that despite me being 23, I rarely consider myself an adult. I don't have enough grasp on how to live in this world to consider myself with the automatic wisdom associated with adulthood. Saying that, I also consider myself lacking the traits that the younger generations would typically associate with the old, boring, strict and scheduled elders. Yet, this week I spent a considerable amount of time with ages 6-13 and have to admit that I have taken on a few of those adult-like qualities especially compared with these fun-loving, high energy kids. This isn't a post to rant about my coming identity as an adult, rather a reminder of the few lessons I learned this week from my younger counterparts.

Just a quick summary of how I came to spend so much time with these kids. Sunday, I was bored so I decided to ride bikes with a former seventh grade student who is now my neighbor. Tuesday, I got suckered into being a participant in an Active Shooter Simulation (yes, that was just as haunting as it sounds) with a few students and then taken hostage to the lakeside with a co-worker, her daughter (also a former student) and a couple of her friends. The students, then, escaped to my house for a few hours of movies, pretzels and Piano Tiles only to devise a plan for a sleep over with their parents' permission while a couple more joined. Grand total being four of my seventh graders spending the night at my apartment-which ended up being one of the most memorable nights of my life (yes, I realize how pathetic it may be to say that about a night with girls 10 years younger). Once their parents came to get them, I spent a few hours sleeping before they and more returned for Campus Life. Thursday, I drove home to pick up a 6 and 8-year-old to come stay with me until today (Saturday) when I took them home.

Now onto the lessons learned:

1.) Pizza and Ice Cream Cake Do Constitute as Dinner: Adults spend way too much time testing the latest diet trend, and working out constantly to remember just how good junk food can be. A little junk binge every now and then is not going to solely make you put on the pounds. If you are uber paranoid, just walk to go pick up said pizza and ice cream cake to burn a few of the calories.

2.) Remember to Treat your Cashiers with Kindness: Too often, adults are too busy to even look up from their phones or watches as they order, much less shoot their cashier a smile. We are all individuals just getting what we need from each other. Why not stop and try to make the other person laugh? For example, order an ice cream cake that reads "I shaved a guinea pig today!" while teaching the cashier how to spell guinea pig. There, we have a life lesson and a smile without doing much of anything.


3.) Stop Caring So Much About What You Look Like In Public: Most of us adults won't go out in public without a shower, change of clothes and at least a bit of make-up, deodorant and brush ran through our hair. Yet, I found so much freedom in pairing hideous items of my closet together after completing "blind make-overs" (where one person will be blinded while being handed make-up to put on their partner...creating faces that look like a crayola box attacked). This was on top of our rachet lake hair that hadn't been showered or brushed...
It didn't matter who we ran into at Wal-Mart or Speedway because we were confident in who we were at that moment...complete dorks who were having a blast.

4.) Money Is NOT Everything: As I have grown into adulthood, I progressively stress more and more about money: loans, rent, utilities, phone, internet and that's not even including food and gas and anything fun. I will admit that I am rather irresponsible when it comes to money...spend binging and then uber saving when my bills are do while stressing that I will basically die before my next pay check. HOWEVER, every now and then you gotta just splurge for those pretzels, the expensive pizza and fake eyelashes...because well, you could die before your next bills are due and make all the saving stupid. I'm not saying make this a habit because I definitely will be not spending anything for the next two weeks, but I'm also saying that that splurge was well worth it in the memories.

5.) Stop Planning Everything: We live in an age where we carry our calendars everywhere, making it easier to pencil people in and book ourselves to the max. I, too, am one of these people who thrive on schedule, but why? Why have I made it so necessary to know what I'm doing every minute? You feel like getting a Freeze at 12am? Do it. You feel like spontaneously letting 12-year-olds dye your hair a color of their choosing because you're too tired to double think that? Just go for it. If that sleep-over were scheduled, we wouldn't have done half of the hilarious impromptus and missed out on many memories. I'm not saying we need to throw away the planners, just be open to events that aren't penciled in. 

6.) Sleep When You're Dead:Going back to scheduling everything, we are sure to schedule enough sleep so that we can function the next day. However, have you ever thought about what you miss late at night-the stars, shelve stockers during hide-and-seek in Wal-Mart, empty roads and fireflies just to name a few. Your inhibitions are lowered as the night sets in which can get you into trouble...or (with trusted accompanists) you could embark on adventure. 

7.) Trample a Fear:By the time we are adults, we have made a list of things that we refuse to do, eat, say, read, insert verb here. Some of these tasks have come from experience whether others' or our own, while others are just mindsets.

My 6-year-old was all over conquering fears this weekend as she learned how to do a one-handed cartwheel and made it all the way across the monkey bars without falling...or jumping down because she thought she was going to fall. She also spun in the tire swing at the park despite initial protest...of course, that took some cheering on from her big sister. The tasks on our fear list may just become some of our greatest past-times. 

 I know this post is the black sheep out of my usual posts, but as I have been sitting here in my house without my young companions for the first time all week, I couldn't help but think about how refreshing it was to let lose without a care in the world. I didn't fear being judged by them, or find the need to schedule every minute. Instead, I just went with whatever cray cray idea that one of them presented and it ended up being a blast. Try it sometime.

8.) Sing Way Too Loud: This, ironically, was taught by every girl I encountered this week. With my seventh graders, we blared "Girls just want to have fun" (our theme song for the night) along with "We are Young" as loud as we could while singing along with our various levels of non-talent. Then, with the younger ones, I listened to the Frozen soundtrack so much I will probably be singing it in my sleep tonight...seriously I listened to each song at least 10 times in the last 2 days. Those two girls sang at the top of their lungs, sang in funny voices, did interpretive dance moves, made up their own words...it didn't matter if the windows were down, I was on the phone or the cars around us could see/hear them. They were filled with confidence in their talent and weren't about to stop. I can't remember the last time that a car pulled up next to mine at a light and I continued to sing, but does it really matter that much? Is that person really going to judge me as a lesser human being because I sing like nobody's watching? I doubt it. 


What child-like behavior are you running from? 
Why?
Are you afraid to let lose and just be? 
What is holding you back from your child-like ways?
Is it really that important?

Reluctant Daughter

Not even two weeks into my summer vacation...my first summer vacation since like 8th grade that I haven't had a job... I was already growing stir crazy due to living in a town where the only people I know are 13 years old so I did what most people my age are trying to avoid- I drove home. Now the weather here has been absolutely gorgeous so it was a drive with the windows down while blaring country music and singing obnoxiously enough for anyone that passes me to judge kind of drive time. I was in the Martina McBride mood (I've always loved her for her controversial lyrics and soulful personality) and started listening to Reluctant Daughter-a song that was probably never played on the radio and one that isn't commonly known by even her fans...it was kind of a dud. 

Seriously...pouting faces are the cutest.

Even the very title of the song gets me every time let alone the lyrics themselves. It is all about telling Jesus that you want to come back.  That's just a silly idea, is it not? Us, children of the King, telling Jesus...hey I know I screwed up and I ignored you for a while...but could you please go to your daddy and ask if I can come home?  It is fact: I am a daughter of God...yet, so often I am reluctant to accept that identity. I feel like a small child who not only goes against the wishes of her parents, but also has a tendency to downright ignore their existence or authority. 


Take this morning for example, I finally allowed myself to be honest about all of the changes that are quickly coming in August and to acknowledge them only to break down in fear. I can't move to Missouri. I don't know anyone there. I have never driven that far alone. I don't even fully know what I will be doing because so much is just rolling with the every day. I don't want to give up my own apartment with my own routine. My small group is making it even harder to leave my students behind. I have friends here. I want to be a teacher again. I shouldn't have just jumped...that was crazy and irrational and something I never would have done if I would have just taken time to fully think things through. All of these thoughts raced through my mind as well as every negative situation that could possibly happen. 

At this point I didn't want to claim my identity as Daughter...I was simply stomping away in the opposite direction because claiming the identity of Daughter of Christ comes with a lot of responsibility and uncertainty. I spent the majority of the day pouting , sitting outside painting my nails and reading refusing to claim His plan as my own. Yet it is in what happened in the later part of the day that beckons me back to my identity: You see, the identity of Daughter of God also comes with security in the shaky sand, hope in the struggle and purpose in the fog. However, I so often am reluctant to claim the later because it greatly depends on surrendering any other identity that I would like to take upon myself. I have to be willing to let everything else that I have worked for go in order to fully take hold of the security, love, hope and forgiveness. I have to let the title 7 Star Writing Teacher, Hoosier, Life Church Attendee, Columbia City Resident, Apartment Rentee and more go in order to grasp the title Daughter of God and everything that will come with obedience. 

I'm not the first one to be reluctant in coming home and I'm sure I'm not the only one hiding in the corner right now. If you're in this same place of reluctance-take heart in this common parable:

He was so hungry, he would have eaten the corncobs in the pig slop, but no one would give him any. That brought him to his senses. He said, "All those farmhands working for my father sit down to three meals a day, and here I am starving to death. I'm going back to my father. Ill say to him, Father, I've sinned against God , I've sinned before you; I don't deserve to be called your son. Take me on as a hired hand." He got right up and went home to his father. When he was still a long way off, his father saw him. His heart pounding, he rant out, embraced him, and kissed him. The son started his speech: "Father, I've sinned against God, I've sinned before you, I don't deserve to be called your son ever again." But the father wasn't listening. He was calling to the servants, "Quick, Bring a clean set of clothes and dress him. Put the family ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Then get a grain-fed heifer and roast it. We're going to feast! We're going to have a wonderful time! My son is here- given up for dead and now alive! Given up for lost and now found! -Luke 15:16-24

I am His reluctant daughter but, Jesus tell your Father, I want to be His child again.

Are you being a reluctant child of God?
What is causing you to stomp away and pout?
What are you bringing on to yourself because of your reluctance?
What are you missing out on because of your reluctance?
Are you ready to ask Jesus to come home again?

Reluctant Daughter Lyrics & Video

A Letter to My Students

May 28, 2014

Dear Students,

This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to write…other than those twenty some page papers in college. I have been putting this off because writing this truly does mean that my year with you is over. I know most teachers only get a year with their students, unless you are blessed like Mr. Blake to have you all more; however, everyone else will have the opportunity of watching you continue to grow up and mature into the beautiful people that you are becoming. They will get visits during lunch and free time, will get to attend sporting events and other competitions and still remain connected in your lives if you choose for them to, but for me, this is it. This is the day that I have been dreading for the last several months since knowing I was not going to be returning. I want you to know a couple of things.

1.)    I am not leaving this position or moving to Missouri because of anything you have done or said. It is everything you’ve done and said and the wonderful teachers I have gotten to work with that have almost made me regret my decision to leave every day because I know how much I am going to miss you. The first year teaching is always a tough one and I thank you for your joy, excitement, determination and forgiveness throughout this crazy year. I truly could not have imagined a better group of students to experience this with-you have prepared me so much for my job next year and have given me the hope to one day return to teaching when the time is right.

2.)   I will still continue to be here for you if you choose for me to be. You can reach me through all the craziness of social media-most of you have already found me so consider this an open challenge come June 3. Many of you have had adults come into your life for a season, the season that many of them were getting some kind of pay out for-only to feel like they abandoned you as soon as they could. These people could have been your parents, other teachers, coaches, youth leaders, mentors…whatever. But, I’m not going to be one of those people. I don’t love each of you because it is my job and I don’t want to know about your personal lives because I have to. I want to be involved in your life and will continue to pray for you and remain one of your biggest fans whether you like it or not. If you need someone, I will be there.

3.)   I am proud of and thankful for each and every one of you. Some of you have been determined to prove that I hate you all year long and I hope you realize that you have wasted your time. I don’t care who you are…you have made this year one to remember. Each and every one of you are leaving the seventh grade a better person than when you walked in. Many of you came in barely doing any of the assignments and not being super competent in all subjects, however, I have seen most of you make leaps towards success in these areas. You are making steps towards maturity-taking personal responsibility not only for mere assignments, but for your learning. You are learning the balance between silliness and serious.  You are daring to ask questions and seek a deeper understanding of humanity and life around you. You you have grown in confidence both in your abilities and in yourselves…confidence truly is key to everything you will do. If you don’t believe in yourselves, you can’t expect others to believe in you. Having confidence is the first step in doing anything-your actions will follow your attitude.

4.)  Respect authority. No matter where you are or who you are, there is always going to be someone above you. Even if you don’t like them or agree with them, they deserve your respect. Sometimes it is hard, but it is necessary to bite your tongue and get down to business. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it is good to argue for what you believe in…but always do it in a respectful tone. Don’t feel like you have to win every argument because eventually you won’t. Know when to give in and step back in respect. Respect doesn't mean you have to like the person-it simply means that you will speak positively and cooperate with them. It also never hurts to thank the people above you for their work in your lives.

5.)   Life is tough, get a helmet. Most of you have learned this already and I apologize for any sad circumstances and tough battles that you have had to fight. I would love to stand here as a 23-year-old and tell you that it is only up from here, but the truth is…life is always tough-you just have to find your reason to fight. You will experience love…and broken hearts, hope and hopelessness. You will have moments of great accomplishment and moments of shear disappointment. For some of you, you may fight to prove everyone around you wrong. Some of you want to make a difference in the world. Some of you want to do better or be better than your family. Others want to be famous or make a lot of money. Whatever your reason, remember that and never give up fighting for what you want out of life. People are going to get in your face- tell you that you’re not good enough, that you can’t do it, that you’re not smart enough, talented enough, beautiful enough, rich enough, that you don’t come from the right background or school, that you don’t have enough experience or that your past is just too much. Whatever other people say….remember that the fight is worth it because you deserve the best. Sometimes waking up each morning, bringing school supplies to school, doing your homework, attending practice, putting in that extra time to really be good is going to seem like it is stupid-It’s not. If you want to get somewhere good in life-where each of you deserve to be- you are going to have to face adversity and you’re going to have to fight for it. At some points you are going to have to prove that you are worth it and it is going to seem impossible…remember that it isn’t. Keep fighting. Keep believing. You’re worth it.

I have been thinking about what the number one thing I wanted you to remember when you walk out of my doors for the last time is; and although I am a writing teacher-it’s not anything about punctuation, capitalization, spelling, pre-writes or Six Traits-although it would be great for you to recall each of those things. If there is only one thing that you remember from my class, remember that you are worth it. Many of you have already been told that you aren't deserving or have the belief that you will never make it very far in life because others have told you. Those are lies-lies that I have been trying to fight with you for the last nine months. However, it is proven fact that it takes so many more times of hearing the truth to stop believing the lie. I don’t want you to walk out of the seventh grade and into the summer or eighth grade or any of your future defeated. I want you to remember that you are worth it…after brainstorming with a friend; we devised the idea of getting each of you MudLove Bands reading that phrase. You see, MudLove is a company that takes literal mud and makes bands out of it while donating the profit to clean water campaigns. Think of it, mud is gross, thick gunk that we don’t think a whole lot about, yet many people are wearing this jewelry-making it worth something. Now these bands were not something super cheap, so I enlisted my support system---a group of people that could one day be your employers, professors, teachers, friends, mentors and more. These people each donated money to prove to you that you are worth it. They went out of their way because they wanted to show you that you are loved and deserving of the best. There is nothing that you have had to do for these people to prove that you are worth it and there is nothing you will ever need to do other than to believe that you are. You are worth it. You are worth the fight. You are worth the hard work. You are worth the grades. You are worth the late night games and early morning practices. You are worth the money spent. You are worth the hours put in. You are worth throwing away the razor blades. You are worth eating the next meal. You are worth taking your next breath and throwing down all the self hate. You are worth everything. You have made this last year worth my college education….If you were the only students that I ever had the privilege of teaching, all of that work would have been worth it. Please, if there is one thing you remember. Remember you are worth it.

I don’t expect each of you to wear these bands, but I do expect each of you to rise to the occasion of believing you’re worth it. However, I do ask that you just keep this band-hang it somewhere,  wear it, put it somewhere you can see it and any time you look at it-remember how much you are loved and how much confidence I have in each of your futures…not to mention the confidence that these complete strangers have in you.

I love you all.

Class dismissed. 

I Jumped (Part 2): I Touched the Water Beneath.

A couple of months ago, I wrote a post about taking a leap of faith-I resigned from a solid position within the public education system that was utilizing my degree and keeping me close to family and friends. I made this decision within a couple of weeks and to make it crazier, turned in my resignation before ever searching for a replacement job. I remain grateful for the prayers and support of many friends throughout the last few months of leaping and wanted to catch everyone up as to where I stand now. 

Jumping was, in part, the result of a discussion with a mentor over feeling that test-driven teaching wasn't for me at this point in my life. She nudged me to look into group homes for teens-a position that would utilize my passion for connection and relationship without burning me out on shoving punctuation down students' throats. I never knew these positions existed-thought it is something I've always wanted to do. I remember playing with my dozens of imaginary friends and Barbies that they were all a part of a ranch for kids who started walking down the wrong path and I was helping to get them back. I remember watching movies about animal therapy and being captivated by the idea-I wanted to be doing that. As time does, my dreams faded to reality and I majored in English Education so I could imitate Hillary Swank in freedom writers and heal all of the problems through writing. I'm not going to lie, I have seen students make progress through written word-but spending 8 hours a day pouring myself into these students only for them to go home to chaotic brokenness. I leave the school every day wishing I could do more...longing to be able to work more with students lives than their test scores. 

After that conversation with my mentor, I turned to Google (yes, very professional job searching technique). I don't even remember what exactly I googled, probably something like group homes or teen residential programs. Those searches led to tons of questionnaires as to why I needed a group home before finally sifting through to the employment opportunities. I already knew of one organization called Mooseheart near Chicago (a mere 3 hours away from my homestead) because a couple friends from college worked there...so of course I applied. I decided that it was irresponsible to apply for just one job so I continued looking until I found Shelterwood in Missouri (a whopping 9 hours from comfort). I went through the tedious application process for both locations-writing several pages a piece on my philosophy of discipline and children and ministry in general. It seemed Cray Cray (as my good friend, Hollie Parker would say), but I didn't feel the urge to apply for any more positions. I simply prayed...not nearly as much as one should have and trusted that God had it all in His hands-that sometime soon my foot that I had stepped out of the boat with would touch solid water. 

Within a week of each other, I completed a phone interview with Shelterwood and went on location to Mooseheart for an entire day of interviewing. I enjoyed Mooseheart, but in the back of my mind was hoping that I would get the confirmation call from Shelterwood while I was there because my heart just wanted it. I wasn't holding out much faith and would often let my thoughts travel to a future of working at Wal-Mart because I was never meant to step out of the boat of education. Yet, sometimes God does grant the desires of our heart and the day after I returned from Chicago, I received an email from Shelterwood saying that they wanted me. I have to admit, I had been checking my phone and email extra regularly for the days surrounding that one because I knew I was supposed to know soon. I happened to sit down during passing period to check my email that day and read the hopeful words, screamed and burst into tears as students walked questionably into my room. I will admit that I was more than a little shocked for God to come through on this desire because I tend to think that He would rather ignore my wishes on a regular basis. 

Excitement only lasted for so long before sheer fear overran any happiness that I had. I had never been out of the state of Indiana for more than a week in my entire 23 years of life and now I would be picking up...alone...and moving nine hours from anyone and everyone that I have ever known. I have no idea what each day will have in store for me and I will be relying on my faith more than ever before. My brother will no longer be able to come spend weekends with me and I won't see my closest friends every couple of days. I struggle with a despise loneliness and yet it seemed like I was moving to ensure that I would be lonely. My team of teachers was excited for this opportunity, but I can't help be saddened by the fact that I am leaving the four of them who have become friends. My students battled comments of me abandoning them and protesting never seeing me again-things that hurt more than any other fact of moving. 

Even today, I walked around my alma mater-Huntington University- with my mentor's dog. I have walked the campus loop probably a hundred times in the last 5 years, but today I took the near mile loop slower-knowing that I won't just be able to come and make this walk every week like the last five years. I took in the beauty and let memories flood my mind with each step of campus. I remember being terrified to move an hour away from the home that I had always known to college and then basically made it a criterion for last year's job searching to be near this comfort zone. I have made this place home and most of my friends still reside here nine months of the year, yet I have to pull myself to pack up and move 9 hours away in the next two months. My brother's 13th birthday is this Thursday and because of work will be the first birthday (or holiday in general) that I have not been with him in his lifetime. As sad as that makes me, knowing that it is potentially the first of many as I move makes it harder.

The love that I know hold for this place that I not-so-long-ago feared gives me hope that Independence, Missouri holds the same possibilities for being home if I allow it. I will be working with the type of students that I love the most-the ones who try their best to reject that love. I will be working alongside people close to my age (something I have grown to miss in the past year-WHERE IN THE WORLD DO ALL THE 20 SOMETHIGNS GO AFTER COLLEGE?!)I will be a part of some intense discipleship as well as having caring leaders over me doing the same. I will be a part of an organization that changes the lives of teenagers through the healing message of Christ's love without having to tip toe around faith like in a public school setting. I will be working to create a relationship of discipleship with a small group of girls- working as a mentor in their healing process of growing closer to Jesus. I will not have to see my students come back into my door each morning slipping back after returning home the night before. I will get the comfort of knowing that most of the girls are there because their Jesus-loving parents care about them enough to get them help. I will get to again live in a strong community of women while working in ministry and am beyond hopeful and excited for the opportunities to come oh so soon. 

Basically-I don't know which I am more of...anxious, nervous or excited. With each though I can see both the positives and negatives of moving and taking this leap of faith. I'm sure Peter too flashed through all the possibilities when he stepped out of the boat to his Savior. Even in those split seconds before his feet touched the water beneath, I'm sure there were flashes of the uncertain potential of drowning....but the truth stands that he didn't drown. Jesus was there to hold him on that water and I know that he is there to hold my hand on this unsteady water in the upcoming months. I hope to continue to keep this blog active in the near future as a release of the emotions of packing up and moving as well as in the next year to correspond with whoever wants to know what I am up to in Independence. Independence...it just hit me that I am moving to a very place that means freedom...my focus of this last year. This will, for sure, be a step of freedom in faith, and healing. 

Worth It! Fundraiser Campaign

Worthlessness. Dark futures. Hopeless. Broken. Burdened.

Every day, I walk into my classroom trying to illustrate hope more than anything to a group of students who are bogged down with worthlessness. This group of students, in particular, is one that has frequently been identified by their low test scores and frequent behavior problems. They have grown up being told that they will never amount to much-that they are too dumb, too useless, too broken, too different etc. They often come from homes that are caught in generational poverty, abuse and other negative situations and it has been instilled in them that they are only going to continue these vicious cycles. They battle cutting, depression, a search for love, alcohol, drugs, abuse, bullying and loneliness with what seems like little hope entering their lives. 

It has been my mission all year long to show them that they are MORE than their past, their surroundings and the lies that they have been told. We have endured "Motivational Mondays" my "lame" attempt to show them celebrities and others that have overcome struggles such as disabilities, poverty, abuse, stereotypes etc. I have seen them take in these small moments of hope and truth, but the real truth is that truth has to be spoken double the amount of lies to trump. 

I've seen more students upset that I was leaving this year because the "one who believes in us" is leaving them. I hate that some students think that and want to leave them with a final token that will continue to fight their lies for as long as they should let it. After brainstorming with friends, I have concluded that I would love to get MudLove Bands (bracelets that are handmade from clay and give to charity) reading "Worth It" so that they can always have truth with them. After researching, this task would cost around $560-a feat that I am not wealthy enough to fund. That's where I am asking you to come in and breath some hope...some truth into these students' lives. 

I have created a GoFundMe account in order for you to sponsor a child. What better way to show my students that they are worth it than to present them with bands that were donated by complete strangers who believe in their futures?! Not only will it give them a constant reminder that I think they are Worth It!, but they will know that other people out there who could be their future employers, co-workers, admission counselors, professors, teachers, etc do too!. 

By donating to this cause, you could literally be saving a child's life as many of them do struggle with depression and hopelessness. This band could be the thing that urges them to live for a brighter future. These students have stolen my heart and will forever remain there and I know if you had a chance to meet them, they would steal yours too. Please donate whatever you can to show them that they are Worth It! and have a hope of a brighter future!

Please...push the link below and do whatever you can to invest in the future and show my students that they are Worth It!

Show a Student They Are Worth It! (http://www.gofundme.com/8pt0pk)

Also, just a business note, money will not be subtracted from your account if I do not raise my goal of 560 dollars by May 7 (I have to place the order in enough time to receive the bands by the end of the year). 

 

I jumped. I resigned.

     A couple of months ago at this point, I jumped. I drafted a letter of resignation and turned it into my principal saying that I would not be returning to Indian Springs Middle School in August. It wasn't an emotional decision made after some horrid first year experience: In fact, it was my experience this year that made the letter so difficult to write. I have been absolutely blessed with the most incredible team I could have imagined-we all share a laid back, fun loving attitude but get work done when necessary. I quickly bonded with them and every day makes it harder to know that I only have a month left of working alongside them. I have never seen Jesus displayed more profusely in the classroom than when watching my co-workers interact with students, parents and stressful situations (which is pretty impressive considering I work at a public school). After all of my student observation in college, it was far too easy to grow downtrodden because of the overarching negative attitude toward students and the profession. I have loved my students, though there have been a fair share of difficult times. I've always wanted to be a teacher who watches my students grow and mature over the years- seeing every other teacher have a slew of 8th graders come visit them has only made me want that even more. Many students have never had someone support and love them when they weren't getting paid to do so-I have always wanted to be their exception...wanted to attend graduation in five more years and watch my babies cross the stage to receive their diploma. I hate that I am going to be another name on many of those students' lists of abandoning them.

       So why did I jump and where am I going to land? 
    
    I jumped because through all of my time working with students either as a youth leader, volunteer, student teacher and teacher, I have learned that I love the relational side more than anything. So many of my students walk into my door broken and weighed down by a plethora of things and people that have already happened in their short twelve years of life. They walk in hopeless and helpless-there are more  important tasks on their agenda than learning where a comma goes in a sentence and rightfully so. My passion is to meet students where they are in those moments, use education and writing to further connect with how they are feeling and why....instill hope and healing. However, it has become increasingly evident that a formal education setting is unfortunately more focused on state standards and standardized test scores than those pivotal tasks. 

   Should I have come to this realization sometime in the last four years before I forked out one hundred grand on earning my Bachelor's in English Education? That could have been helpful, but I remain grateful for my years at Huntington University and the opportunity to work with so many different students. I can't say that I will never go back to the world of formal classrooms, it's just not where I'm meant to be right now. 

   Right now, I'.m single...I'm unattached to everything. I have no reason to need to stay in a certain area other than my baby brother-who will be the hardest thing about moving away...BUT right now is the perfect time to chase after my dream job-a job I never knew actually existed. I remember growing up playing with my hoard (yes, I was a very lame child) of imaginary friends and even Barbies-pretending that I owned some kind of healing ranch where troubled teens and children would come stay and through therapy and separation from the world that distracted them, come to a place of healing and hope. Those are the students that have always held a special place in my heart-they're not bad kids (though often labeled as such)-they have just grown up with an unfortunate set of circumstance with less love engulfing their every move. This is why I became a teacher-because in my own carefully laid plans, that is how I was meant to work with students. 

    My own carefully laid plans...that has been the hilarious flaw I am trying to push away. I can't remember the last time that I took a jump like the one I did a couple of months ago...resigning from my current, successful position without another one lined up...that is just darn silly! Picking up everything I own and moving away from the area...and even state...that I have always known...away from all of the people that I have ever known...that is crazy talk. Refusing to look at teaching jobs, even though the form of job that I am currently looking for is limited is stupid in many people's books. Yet, during a conversation with a mentor, I realized that each of those things is what I am being called to do. I am Peter, being beckoned to take that first shaky step onto the water and trust...finally trust... in God's best laid plans over my own. I have to admit, for a steadfast planner like myself, this is one of the scariest things I have ever done. Even now, I can't even see the water that my foot will fall onto and that is terrifying, but I know that it is down there somewhere and even if I start to sink, I know his hand will reach to pull me up. 

    I have my first interview tomorrow afternoon...an interview to a place that literally is my picture of the perfect job. It is hard to not get my hopes up for this position because I love it so much, but I can't rightfully say I why I should have this job over anyone else...but I do know that sometimes God works in strange ways and calls those scrawny, under qualified followers to do some amazing things.  I jumped and now I have to trust that He truly does have a plan.

  So for those of you who have been wondering, asking or even clueless as to my plans next year...they don't exist. Right now, I just know I'm going to be somewhere different...and that's okay.