This could be taken as a huge insult to the people who I consider my good friends, but please don't take it like that...just understand that my thought processes are beautifully flawed.
Ever since I can remember, I have been afraid of pretty people. (I know, bring on the comments) I guess I just don't mean pretty as in attractive people, but also preppy...you know those popular girls who seem to have it all together-the Prom Queen and Homecoming Queen and you know, the girls who win EVERYTHING. These girls have the fashionable clothes, they don't seem to know what a pimple is and have talents out the wazoo. On top of all of this, they have smarts. These are the pretty girls I am talking about. (yes, some of my friends do have all of these qualities, but that doesn't mean I don't fear them)
This sounds like something you would grow out of once you exited the halls of high school right? False. I am currently student teaching in 8th grade and this still comes into effect in my daily interactions with students. If the girls who meet the above criteria are talking quietly, my mind automatically jumps to them talking about me. (I don't take into consideration that they could be talking about anything, especially things that they want to keep quiet from me since I am the teacher.) I try to dress to their standards and am so worried about something being in my teeth after lunch or about my make-up wearing off by the end of the day. I still have a desperate desire to be liked and accepted by these pretty girls....even though they are 8 years younger than myself.
Why am I like this? Why do I care about what a group of 8th grade girls think of me? The need for acceptance and value runs so deep in my blood that I work myself up over middle school students. I was never considered one of the popular kids or probably even one of the absolute pretty kids and that identification is scarred into my thoughts. I have never been nominated for any form of royalty or award by my peers (short of "most likely to become a nun" by the Senior class) I have always just been.
Living on a floor of 26 beautiful women, especially in a leadership role, is a challenge. I strive for their approval. I sometimes even limit my plans in order to not step on the "pretty girls'" toes. I get nervous when I see certain girls walking towards me in the hallway even though I have known some of them for four years. Do I smile at them? Do I just look at the floor and keep walking? What if I say something stupid? I want to be "cool".
I give tours to prospective families and host students. I am totally comfortable in this role 99.9% of the time...until I get a "pretty family". I stumble over my words, I forget facts about the campus, I sit on my bed afraid to make a fool out of myself. I desire the acceptance of even complete strangers.
You probably think that I had some kind of terrible experience with the "pretty people" of school, right? False. I was never up to the standards of popular, but nearly everyone knew me. I was never bullied by "pretty people". I never had any kind of tramatazing experience...I just simply desire acceptance.
I will admit, I have probably lost out on friendships because of this fear. I have missed out on clubs and other opportunities. The "pretty people" never secluded me...but I secluded myself from different things because of my drive for acceptance. (isn't that like some kind of oxymoron?!)
Worth and acceptance are two things that drive society. Why? Why do we care so much about what other people think of us? Why do we panic so much about being cool, that we end up acting even dumber?
I don't have all of the answers. I really don't even think I have any of the answers, but I know this problem runs through my veins and that is the first step, right?
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