I Jumped (Part 2): I Touched the Water Beneath.

A couple of months ago, I wrote a post about taking a leap of faith-I resigned from a solid position within the public education system that was utilizing my degree and keeping me close to family and friends. I made this decision within a couple of weeks and to make it crazier, turned in my resignation before ever searching for a replacement job. I remain grateful for the prayers and support of many friends throughout the last few months of leaping and wanted to catch everyone up as to where I stand now. 

Jumping was, in part, the result of a discussion with a mentor over feeling that test-driven teaching wasn't for me at this point in my life. She nudged me to look into group homes for teens-a position that would utilize my passion for connection and relationship without burning me out on shoving punctuation down students' throats. I never knew these positions existed-thought it is something I've always wanted to do. I remember playing with my dozens of imaginary friends and Barbies that they were all a part of a ranch for kids who started walking down the wrong path and I was helping to get them back. I remember watching movies about animal therapy and being captivated by the idea-I wanted to be doing that. As time does, my dreams faded to reality and I majored in English Education so I could imitate Hillary Swank in freedom writers and heal all of the problems through writing. I'm not going to lie, I have seen students make progress through written word-but spending 8 hours a day pouring myself into these students only for them to go home to chaotic brokenness. I leave the school every day wishing I could do more...longing to be able to work more with students lives than their test scores. 

After that conversation with my mentor, I turned to Google (yes, very professional job searching technique). I don't even remember what exactly I googled, probably something like group homes or teen residential programs. Those searches led to tons of questionnaires as to why I needed a group home before finally sifting through to the employment opportunities. I already knew of one organization called Mooseheart near Chicago (a mere 3 hours away from my homestead) because a couple friends from college worked there...so of course I applied. I decided that it was irresponsible to apply for just one job so I continued looking until I found Shelterwood in Missouri (a whopping 9 hours from comfort). I went through the tedious application process for both locations-writing several pages a piece on my philosophy of discipline and children and ministry in general. It seemed Cray Cray (as my good friend, Hollie Parker would say), but I didn't feel the urge to apply for any more positions. I simply prayed...not nearly as much as one should have and trusted that God had it all in His hands-that sometime soon my foot that I had stepped out of the boat with would touch solid water. 

Within a week of each other, I completed a phone interview with Shelterwood and went on location to Mooseheart for an entire day of interviewing. I enjoyed Mooseheart, but in the back of my mind was hoping that I would get the confirmation call from Shelterwood while I was there because my heart just wanted it. I wasn't holding out much faith and would often let my thoughts travel to a future of working at Wal-Mart because I was never meant to step out of the boat of education. Yet, sometimes God does grant the desires of our heart and the day after I returned from Chicago, I received an email from Shelterwood saying that they wanted me. I have to admit, I had been checking my phone and email extra regularly for the days surrounding that one because I knew I was supposed to know soon. I happened to sit down during passing period to check my email that day and read the hopeful words, screamed and burst into tears as students walked questionably into my room. I will admit that I was more than a little shocked for God to come through on this desire because I tend to think that He would rather ignore my wishes on a regular basis. 

Excitement only lasted for so long before sheer fear overran any happiness that I had. I had never been out of the state of Indiana for more than a week in my entire 23 years of life and now I would be picking up...alone...and moving nine hours from anyone and everyone that I have ever known. I have no idea what each day will have in store for me and I will be relying on my faith more than ever before. My brother will no longer be able to come spend weekends with me and I won't see my closest friends every couple of days. I struggle with a despise loneliness and yet it seemed like I was moving to ensure that I would be lonely. My team of teachers was excited for this opportunity, but I can't help be saddened by the fact that I am leaving the four of them who have become friends. My students battled comments of me abandoning them and protesting never seeing me again-things that hurt more than any other fact of moving. 

Even today, I walked around my alma mater-Huntington University- with my mentor's dog. I have walked the campus loop probably a hundred times in the last 5 years, but today I took the near mile loop slower-knowing that I won't just be able to come and make this walk every week like the last five years. I took in the beauty and let memories flood my mind with each step of campus. I remember being terrified to move an hour away from the home that I had always known to college and then basically made it a criterion for last year's job searching to be near this comfort zone. I have made this place home and most of my friends still reside here nine months of the year, yet I have to pull myself to pack up and move 9 hours away in the next two months. My brother's 13th birthday is this Thursday and because of work will be the first birthday (or holiday in general) that I have not been with him in his lifetime. As sad as that makes me, knowing that it is potentially the first of many as I move makes it harder.

The love that I know hold for this place that I not-so-long-ago feared gives me hope that Independence, Missouri holds the same possibilities for being home if I allow it. I will be working with the type of students that I love the most-the ones who try their best to reject that love. I will be working alongside people close to my age (something I have grown to miss in the past year-WHERE IN THE WORLD DO ALL THE 20 SOMETHIGNS GO AFTER COLLEGE?!)I will be a part of some intense discipleship as well as having caring leaders over me doing the same. I will be a part of an organization that changes the lives of teenagers through the healing message of Christ's love without having to tip toe around faith like in a public school setting. I will be working to create a relationship of discipleship with a small group of girls- working as a mentor in their healing process of growing closer to Jesus. I will not have to see my students come back into my door each morning slipping back after returning home the night before. I will get the comfort of knowing that most of the girls are there because their Jesus-loving parents care about them enough to get them help. I will get to again live in a strong community of women while working in ministry and am beyond hopeful and excited for the opportunities to come oh so soon. 

Basically-I don't know which I am more of...anxious, nervous or excited. With each though I can see both the positives and negatives of moving and taking this leap of faith. I'm sure Peter too flashed through all the possibilities when he stepped out of the boat to his Savior. Even in those split seconds before his feet touched the water beneath, I'm sure there were flashes of the uncertain potential of drowning....but the truth stands that he didn't drown. Jesus was there to hold him on that water and I know that he is there to hold my hand on this unsteady water in the upcoming months. I hope to continue to keep this blog active in the near future as a release of the emotions of packing up and moving as well as in the next year to correspond with whoever wants to know what I am up to in Independence. Independence...it just hit me that I am moving to a very place that means freedom...my focus of this last year. This will, for sure, be a step of freedom in faith, and healing.