2015: Not my Own.

Every year, instead of focusing on a long list of unmanageable resolutions, I pick a catchphrase to focus my prayers, study, growth and mindset.

2012 was the year of Redefined Beauty.

2013 was the year of Freedom.

2014 was the year of Peace and Purpose.

2015 will be the idea of Not my Own.

2014 was a year that truly challenged the idea of peace. I entered the year on a rocky start professionally, knowing that I would be changing careers but with no idea to what. Soon, I began feeling led to apply as a house parent in residential facilities for struggling teens to quickly receive a job offer in Missouri. Plans halted when I received a sudden and unplanned position with Youth for Christ still in Whitley County. [you can catch any of these ideas more in depth in the “life  happenings” tab]

Aside from professionally, 2014 was a year of morphed relationships and much anxiety. Anxiety being the biggest opponent when trying to remain focused on peace. Through each of the changes, I clung to my routine, my independence and my faith. I began learning what it is like to have peace in Christ even though every aspect of life is out of control. I learned how to be in a constant state of prayer. I knew what would bring greatest anxiety and would cling to verses in those moments. My year was driven by the common Psalm “She is clothed with strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future.” That woman is who I desperately desired to be throughout 2014 and despite hiccups, I grew steadily in peace.

This year, I set out to continually grow in peace while fighting my fierce desire for independence, for being able to live in my controlled world and do as I want. I’ve never been one to ask for help-from God or friends…I’d rather do it how I want so I know it gets done. I’m not a feminist by any means, but take pride in being able to do things on my own- change a tire, balance a checkbook, pay the bills, make the money, cook [only when necessary] and get myself wherever I need to be. I am Miss Independent.

My phrase this year is “Not my own” pointing more to God than anyone, but leaving room to ask those around me for help too. I desire to not operate on my strength, my intelligence, my schedule…to not speak or write my words but His. I’m jumping into scripture on a daily basis and pouring myself into the ways I know He brings me strength. I’ve exercised my freedom and peace through independence and Christ, but this year will bring balance to the idea of being Free yet Clinging to Christ for every desire and action.

2015 is Not my Own.

I failed.

I cried. I cried ugly all over her because I simply wasn’t strong enough to hold back the idea that I had failed. I had failed at the career I had prepared for at a college that specializes in education for the last four years.  I was a good student and teaching had always seemed to come nearly natural to me: I could read a book and instantly think of comprehension questions and ways to creatively cover it in the classroom; I could think of writing prompts and grammar strategies without much effort. Other than being a veterinarian, like every other country-raised girl, teaching was the only thing I had ever seen myself doing for the rest of my life. All of these aspirations and preparations crashed in a matter of a fifteen minute, impromptu meeting with the principal and assistant principal. I was blindsided as each of my shortcomings over the last semester were thrown back at me with no case to defend myself other than I thought I was better than this…I thought I would do better than this. I couldn’t fail.

I ugly cried over the next twenty four hours and in sporadic spurts over the next couple of months. What was I supposed to do? How could I make it another semester knowing that I wasn’t returning and knowing that I had failed? How could I look at everyone who had told me I was going to be a good teacher and had helped/supported me and tell them that they were wrong…that I wasn’t as good as they had thought…that their perceptions had been proven wrong in a matter of fifteen minutes that continued to replay in my mind over and over? I couldn’t. Hollie was the only one who knew until I couldn’t hold the questions of how teaching was going and fake responses any longer.

Nearly every morning for the next semester, I had to drag myself out of bed into a job that I knew I couldn’t do well enough. I was anxiety-stricken and totally lost as to where to go from here.  I struggled to find joy in the students that I had so easily loved. I battled the fear to just stay in bed. I had failed the career I had prepared for…what is one supposed to do after that? Where is there to go when where you thought you were going isn’t an option any longer?

The next five months taught me five top things about failure:

1.)    Cry Ugly, then Put on Your Big Girl Pants: I held on to the idea of failure for too long, I let it pull me away from a successful semester of teaching and into an anxiety-filled life. I continued to cry for a bit too long and continued to let the words eat away at my self-esteem. I needed to put on my big girl pants and get back to my every day life a bit earlier than I did. Wallowing in failure is simply selfish and there are people counting on you to put on your big girl pants.

2.)    Jump Back and Prove ‘em Wrong: Once I pulled myself out of my funk, I was determined to take the rest of my time with students and be every bit of the teacher that I knew I was capable of being. I was a Pro-Athlete playing the last game before I walked into retirement…leaving everything on the field, attempting to play tough enough for even the opposition to miss me.

3.)    Own It, Forgive Yourself: It was a solid two or three more months until I even told the rest of my team my fate because letting them know meant admitting my failure out loud and I just didn’t want to do that. People fail. Perfectionists fail. Perfectly sought after plans fail. The end. You’re not immune to the laws of the world, own the fact that you failed...because you're not the only one. The second part was one of the hardest things to do. I have always had high expectations for myself and don't like not meeting them. I can't remember ever getting a 'F' in school or quite honestly, not being good at something that I thought I could do. I don't know which was harder...thinking I disappointed others, or knowing that I had disappointed myself. I had to not only own my shortcomings so I could move on, but forgive myself for not living up to what I had thought I could do. 

4.)    Let Others into Your Mess: After that devastating meeting, I tried to pull myself together. I tried to act like nothing happened and forget the words that were said and put my mind to work. That lasted all of about five minutes until a teammate asked what was up with the meeting. My poker face lasted all of two more seconds until the tears came falling. I have no idea how I would have made it through the rest of the day and semester without letting Hollie into my mess.

5.)    Just because you failed, doesn’t mean you’re a failure: This was the hardest…I had failed at something that I was so prepared for, how could I take on a new career that I hadn’t had four years of college classes in? It was hard to admit that there was still a long list of possibilities for my future if I allowed myself to realize that I wasn’t a failure. I was just a person who had failed. That mindset made all the difference.

Last night I cried ugly again. I don’t fully know why, but I think part of it was realizing how completely different of a place that I am in now. I am in a job that I had zero plans or preparation for, but one that was clearly provided by God. I’m learning to find freedom in letting myself fail and owning my weaknesses because that only allows for God’s faithfulness to overshadow myself. I can’t honestly say I am grateful for the fifteen minutes that changed everything I thought I had a year ago, but I can say I’m grateful for where the experience forcing me to trust God has lead. 

Home.

This weekend was my Alma Mater, Huntington University's, homecoming- a weekend that I looked forward to every year as a student- a parade where ramen noodles would be thrown out, the championship powder puff game, several athletic events, Davis Hall Follies (our comedic talent show) and being reunited with upperclassman who have since graduated. I was unable to attend homecoming last year, so this year was my first year back as a graduate...my first year truly taking part in the coming  home. This wasn't some major event since I am literally at the university at least three times a week usually for extended periods of time, but it got me thinking about the significance of coming home and why every school makes such a big

My "Home" is the prettiest.

deal about homecoming week. 

Home is the place in which we are most known. Now the idea of being known, I've decided, is much of humanity's deepest desire. At home, we kick off our shoes and our nice clothes; we dial back our presentation several notches and simply relax into ourselves. Home gets to see a completely different side of us than the rest of the world because of this lack of reservation.

Huntington University's homecoming is especially exciting because you are returning to a place, to a people, to an idea that saw you grow and fostered deep connection over the course of four years. You came into the university around 18 and left in your 20s...four critical years of academic, spiritual, physical and emotional growth. That place sees parts of us that no other time period of our lives will ever see...Lord knows it sees many first kisses, first walks, devastating break-ups and young men taking one knee in front of their love. The university sees some of our all-time highs as well as our all-time lows.  We are known in a deeper way than before, in a way that we desire after walking across the stage to our diploma...in a way that keeps us coming back for an autumn weekend every year in order to reminisce those memories and encounter the people who knew us at our most open. 

These are all things that comfort me in this time of transition. I don't know many people over the age of 17 in my town; I don't have my own place to come "home" to after putting up my work front all day and it often feels like I am unknown at my deepest. I know that I am known by the God of the universe, but if I confess, I so often just want a human, a physical home to be known by. This is why I find myself making the twenty minute commute to HU so often...and I don't think I am alone. 

This isn't solely true of Huntington University's homecoming though, think of any time that you retire to wherever you call home...it could be your childhood town/house, your parents' home or that of a friend. Memories flood back, experiences are relived, emotions heightened and we are overcome with a relaxed state...because we are known here. 

I live in a generation that does everything possible to be known by as many as possible: We update our statuses, commentate with our tweets, show our bests with our Instagrams, write our most vulnerable on blogs and dream our dreams through Pinterest. We create public versions of ourselves that may or may not match up with who we are actually known as. We are then puzzled with discontentment, restlessness and unfulfilled desires because despite the fact that a hoard of people follow, like, retweet and repin us; we aren't really known. 

For my generation, the idea of coming home needs to not be one that we only experience once a year, yet one that we train our brains to encounter on a daily basis. We are so busy putting up fronts that we lose track of who we really are, disabling anyone else from knowing us...leaving us constantly in search of connection. It is necessary that we begin to incorporate some of the experiences and mindsets of home to our every day lives before we lose it as a generation and slip into the obscure, unknown and living under the curse of not even knowing ourselves.

We need to come home.

Plans Overhauled.

When I woke up on July 29, 2014, I was 13 days away from moving to Independence, Missouri, 3 days away from moving out of my apartment and back home with the parents for a week of transition and just a few hours away from MY plans being totally and completely overhauled. I've been meaning to catch you all up in the overhauling of these plans but at first, was still shocked and speechless and then too busy with transition. If you were to ask each person used by God in the overhauling of my plans what the three days of overhauling looked like we would each tell the story a little differently...Dana probably with the most excitement, but here is my take on things:

I was cleaning house in order to make the packing process easier when I received a text from Dana, the Campus Life Director that I had been volunteering for for the last school year saying, "What if God could make a job for you in the next 10 days." I laughed and with a eye roll unseen by her, responded that I had a job and was moving in 13 days not expecting the conversation to go any further. Her boss (Adam), whom I had had minimal interactions prior to this, then called and said that he wanted me to stay with Campus Life and felt like God may think that too. I can't really remember how he elaborated at that moment, but the conversation ended with me saying that I would be up to talking about possibilities the next morning (Wednesday the 30th). Here's a pointed timeline of the following 36 hours:

• Tuesday all day: Praying, growing more and more excited about the possibility of staying nearby and working for this organization that I had fallen in love with while experiencing a sense of relief to not move to Missouri.
• Wednesday Morning: Meeting with Adam and Roger to discuss my relationship with Campus Life and Christ...no doors closed.
• Wednesday Afternoon: Stopped by the office with a couple of girls...Adam pulled me aside and talked a bit of specifics...saying that in all the calls and checks that he had made so far, there had been no doors closed (something that was nearly impossible due to a long hiring process). He also said that I wouldn't be able to know anything certain until Monday because of a meeting he needed to have. Crushed.
• Wednesday Night: Me telling God that I wasn't waiting until Monday...I couldn't. If this was really of HIM, I wanted to walk into the meeting Thursday morning and be offered a job. I knew God could make this happen and as I had been thinking, was really hoping for Him to move so that I didn't have to. 
• Thursday Morning: Meeting with Adam to talk actual specifics.  No doors closed. Application filled out. References contacted. Personality test taken. Boom...job offer. 

I was stunned. I was speechless. I was in absolute awe of the power of God. Honestly, I had been uneasy about the Missouri position for the entirety of summer. I had originally been super pumped for the position and really felt like it was where God was nudging me. However, for several months I had held a lot of hesitation and couldn't explain why: People that I love and respect had also expressed concern for the move and position. However, with such little time, and an already signed contract, I didn't really see a way out; but here I was the new Campus Life Director of Whitko HS/MS. 

I want to reiterate that this was not a spontaneous decision made out of anxiety about the future, but a prayer choice that brought more peace in 36 hours than in the previous 4 months. After looking back, I think God had perfectly orchestrated the steps that would bring me to this place of utter surrendering of my best laid plans and control to a that of God's.  Again brought to you via a list:

• March (?) 2014: Officially resigned from being a teacher because I saw how much I  wanted to focus on the relational side of students rather than the academic...in part because volunteering for Campus Life had reminded me just how much I loved it. 
• Near following months: Friends and mentors telling me to look into Campus Life jobs and wanting me to stay nearby. 
• April 2014: Went on location for an interview at a group home/boarding school type setting in Illinois and a phone interview with the people in Missouri. Illinois wanted me to start right after school was out; Missouri wanted me in August (though that played no part in my decision making). Was offered the position in Missouri...jumped on it while truly feeling something in my heart pulling me into their ministry.
• Summer 2014: The best summer of my life spent heavily with Campus Life students...giving me more experience with Campus Life and causing me to fall even more in love with the organization, mission, people and community while growing closer to my Director. 

In summary, if I would not have gotten the Missouri position, I would have taken the one in Illinois. Because of the way I am wired, I wouldn't have turned down an equally great position without having another one as a possibility...or even another organization found and applied to. If I would have moved to Illinois, I would have without spending the summer falling in love with Campus Life. Thus, I wouldn't have been observed by Dana or have been here in August when all of this overhauling occurred.  

Each piece of the last year has molded me and grown me into the person who accepted this overhauling. I've taken leaps of faith throughout the year that I never would have before, I've grown in my closeness to God, underwent healing and discovery and learned to simply abide. These circumstances and stories are too lengthy to chronicle here, but believe me, they happened. 

This next adventure that is beginning is definitely going to utilize and challenge every last bit of that learning how to live and walk in faith. Right now I am currently living with Adam's parents due to the quick transition without a paycheck in the foreseeable future, barreling into large groups of strangers, facing every anxiety that I battle. BUT, it is because of the evidence of God's clearly orchestrated plan in merely the last few months that I am confident in the future. I am confident that there are lost teens that simply need to know Jesus in this community; I am confident that I will be able to impact them only because of the identity, hope and grace of Christ; I am confident that this position of hectic, chaotic, unknown overhaulment (that really should be a word) is exactly where I am supposed to be. 

I am confident in Him.

Lessons Learned: Columbia City Style

I don't do "Woman Crush Wednesdays: #WCW" because, well I try to be a professional 23 year-old at times, but with the big move coming up, I have grown increasingly sentimental, especially surrounding the people I've grown close to in CC. Despite complaining about being alone in a town that I don't know anyone in, I really have grown to love several people here and am beyond thankful for their time, support, fun and lessons taught. So if I were to do "Woman Crush Wednesdays" these would be the women I would choose along with some of the top lessons/challenges learned during my time in Columbia City.

1.) Dana "My Name is the LONGEST Last Name Ever" Neuenschwander  

We are #1 Fans of ISMS Soccer.

(I feel intelligent just spelling it correctly). I feel as though our first random interaction illustrates what I am taking away the most from Dana: I was sitting at a basketball game with a few students when she noticed my HU lanyard and struck up conversation...ending with me volunteering for Campus Life (best life decision of Columbia City...seriously so thankful). I truly do not think this woman is afraid to strike up a conversation with anyone...the opposite of myself who frequently shys away from anyone I don't know for fear of making a fool out of myself. She doesn't let the potential awkwardness of these situations stop her and instead pushes through the awkwardness. (even by making it more awkward, initially) Dana doesn't only teach middle school students about Jesus-she illustrates one of His main teachings through these interactions: She goes to wherever the people are (even sitting through six hours of hog shows) to show them that they are cared about. Dana not only seeks them out, but listens; she is unhindered.She doesn't let fronts or stereotypes or cliques shy her away from certain students. I find myself congregating to the same type of students, not putting a whole lot of effort into getting to know other people. I am content with my "12 close disciples" so to speak while Dana realizes that Jesus not only had the 12, but so many more to which He ministered.   After working concessions with her this week, I commented on how she has got to be the only person I've ever seen not put on a "fake" or "professional" "public face. She is the same regardless of with who she is interacting. She isn't afraid to bust out laughing or to yell out cheers even if the rest of the stands are quiet. She doesn't act like she cares because it is her job-she really cares. I have the upmost respect and admiration for the kind of self-confidence being that person takes. 

Dana has continually challenged me to step out of my security blanket of shyness and I am oh so thankful for her patience and prodding. I am not nearly skilled at seeking out new people, but will take away her lessons and example to Missouri. Then, hopefully, it won't take me nine months to start to meet people this time! I am also thankful for her willingness to put up with my snarky-side and throw it right back at me; to commentate on the Bachelorette with me; to make me feel wanted; to laugh with me; to keep me company at every event and to allow me to simply let loose. 

2.) Hollie "Taught Me More Math in ONE Year than ALL My Math Teachers" Parker:  
She'll probably never read this because I'm not connected to her on social media so I'll be honest: This woman is probably the biggest surprise of the year because my initial reaction was to be terrified of her pep! She was our fearless team leader this year-always willing to spend a few extra minutes brainstorming with me about how to improve different educational situations.  Aside from a professional stand-point, I am taking away this woman's portrayal of fierce, but honest love. I shy away from discipline, confrontation and "demanding" respect, yet Hollie has taught me that those things are necessary...especially when working with students...but don't have to be harsh. I can't even explain what she does, but she has become known for "Loving students to change...believing in them so much that they have no option but to step up their game". Supporting students doesn't always mean sugar coating everything and being their friend (in fact, teacher and friend shouldn't be synonmous) : Sometimes they need the tough love, discipline and consequences and sometimes that means we, as the adults, have to be the "bad guys". That's okay, because they probably aren't going to hold that against you for long; will respect you more in the long run; and even if they don't, our identity isn't based on what a 13-year-old thinks of us. To be sure that she isn't this big, bad tough guy, I want to point out that Mrs. Parker has proved that there are ways to bring Jesus into a public classroom. She doesn't keep her faith a secret while being professional and respectful...again, I can't explain it, but it is beautiful. 

Hollie continually went out of her way to make me feel welcome this year-inviting me over to her family's for Easter when I couldn't go home and out for my birthday when all my friends were busy. At some point, she moved from the scary, peppy co-worker to a friend and I am so thankful for that transition. She didn't just stop when the school year ended, even while knowing I wasn't going to be working with her again. I am thankful for her constant hospitality (as well as her entire family's), support in the tough decisions, letting me cry on the hard days, cooking plenty of delicious food, patiently teaching me the math for each day's lessons before I had to explain it, always listening even when it is passed her bedtime and proving that friends don't have to be the same age. (even though she's NOT old)


3.) My Crazy Children: 

Pie in the Face Day

Girls Just Want to Have Fun Night

 I moved to Columbia City to be a professional, yet relateable educator....yet I am leaving having spent nearly the entire summer (mind you, it would have been different had I been returning to teach) with my former students. I love all 142 of my students and they will each always hold a place in my heart, but the handful (that will remain unnamed because they know who they are) that have taken more time to "hang" with me this summer have grown to closely resemble friends. When I began teaching, I often felt like I was back in my own middle school, just trying to be accepted and these girls have done just that. I am 23, they are 13 yet, sadly, you often wouldn't be able to tell that there are ten years separating us when we are together. It's crazy, but when I am with them, my anxiety levels are way lower...I feel like I truly can be my crazy, fun-loving self (that I'm often afraid to show around adults because I am the "baby") and I am beyond thankful for that. Maybe it has something to do with me being 10 years older and not having to impress them, but at the same time, they just love me for who I am. Some are athletes, some think Zac Efron is hott, some share different interests, but they have taught me that those labels and the stereotypes that often come with them aren't always correct and they rarely ever matter. I can simply and truly be me no matter who they are. These girls have seen me screw up, have seen me get uber flustered, have seen me with little sleep and little patience and even put up with my bad moods and frustration throughout the school year; but they haven't held that against me (at least, it doesn't show)-always extending grace for my mishaps...showing that those silly things don't have to become your identity.

Let's be honest, if it weren't for these yayhoos, I would have spent much more of the summer sitting on my couch, binge watching Netflix. They have been brave enough to break barriers in order to make friends with "their mean, old, writing teacher", have taught me that

7 Swag Ladies

Instagram has direct messaging, that I am horrible at White Tiles in comparison to them, that you should duct tape your boots to your body when pig wrestling, that there is a pretzel place in Walmart, that Children of the Corn is terrifying in the first two seconds, that brownies only need 1/3 cup oil, how to get so many new places in C.C. that I would have needed a GPS for before, that you should remember to pray for your husband,and most importantly that it is okay to be weird. These girls have truly become like the little sisters that I had grown up begging for and I tear up just thinking about leaving them....but the thing about big sisters is that they are always there no matter how far away. I am also extremely thankful for their parents who have often welcomed me and entrusted me with their amazing children. I love you girls.

There have definitely been other people that I have grown close to over this last year of transition that have taught me and challenged me in ways that I wasn't expecting. I just wanted to list the first few that have been popping up in journaling lately. This post proves that even  if you write off a situation, God has his ways of surprising you, teaching you, shaping you and blessing you with beauty. 

Wonder?

"Everyone in the world should get a standing ovation at least once in their life because we all overcometh the world" -Wonder by RJ Palacio 

Wonder chronicles the fictional life of several characters within their relationships to Auggie, a boy who was born with "a lottery of a face"-a rare combination of birth defects making his face the focus of his first days of middle school. Throughout the novel, we see Auggie evolve from a shy boy who kept his head lowered and hated being the focus of jokes and pointing to a young man growing in confidence and an identity outside of his defects. 

Auggie is a young boy that often caught the amazement of on-lookers because of his face, though nothing else about him (other than his over-the-top obsession with Star Wars) separated him from the average fifth grade boy. In the end of the book (SPOILER ALERT...though not imperative to the novel)  Auggie is presented with an award for exemplar courage throughout the school year-yet he doesn't completely understand saying that he simply received this award for being himself-there was nothing courageous he actually underwent other than facing all of the normal challenges with an unusual set of features. 

It is a beautiful, quick read that I would encourage anyone to pick up. However, I don't want to talk about the details of the plot, rather where I think the title, itself, may come from seeing how WONDER is never actually mentioned in the entire novel.  

Palacio writes Auggie's story through several characters' interactions with Auggie: his sister, her boyfriend, his best friend, his best girl friend, etc. Though subtly, we are all shown that each of these characters is facing their own obstacle: poverty, identity, learning disability, being known, etc.  Yet, we are never slapped in the face with the fate that they are forced to overcome-none of them have chosen their battle....Via didn't choose to have a brother with defects, John Will didn't choose to be poor, Justin didn't choose to have a learning disability. Yet each of these characters survives their fate all the while putting Auggie's fate as the most undesirable and thus, Auggie the most courageous. 

We are no different than those fictional characters: We have each been dealt at least one bad card in our hand that we didn't choose. We can try to avoid the consequences, but eventually we have to face them. We were never shown Auggie complaining about his parents having the one-in-a-million genetic make-up that made him the way he is, we didn't see him refusing to wake up in the morning until someone could give him a new face. (besides, he had already undergone many plastic surgeries) He never said that his challenges were tougher than any of the other characters': Auggie simply lived the life that he had to with the best possible attitude. 

We, as a society, as broken people, are often creating hierarchies of pain and suffering. If our lives don't intersect with the top of the scale, we don't deserve to complain, or we don't deserve to be recognized for making it through another day. I can't help but think of a quote that has stuck with me since English 11 when watching an interview with Elie Wiesel, author of Night and a holocaust survivor. When asked if there are holocaust-level tragedies still present in the world, Ellie gives the follow response:

I don't like to compare one atrocity to another. That would be demeaning to both... It's an insult. Every tragedy is unique, just as every human is unique. When a person loses someone dear to her, who am I to say that my tragedy was greater? I have no right. For that person, her tragedy is the greatest in the world—and she is right in thinking so.

Those lines have often clicked into memory in conversation about pain, about the unfair cards that we are dealt, the unfair cards that we, too often, are fearful to make a deal of.  I think the wonder of it all is that we wake-up each day and face whatever challenges are thrown our way. Some people rely on faith, others fortune or karma or whatever else gets them through...but each of us continues onto the next day. Auggie received recognition for being courageous simply for living his life and his response was how good the standing ovation felt-that each and every one of us deserves to feel that level of accomplishment at least once in our lives. We deserve to have people recognize how hard it was to wake up every morning, to go to work under appreciated, to live in a family that views you as invisible, to fight a deadly disease, to battle bullies, to live through abuse, to refuse to count the calories just once...to do whatever it is that you do each and every day without a choice...simply because that is what you have to do. You deserve to not have to measure that pain, or put yourself at the bottom of the scale because "someone else has it worse off". 

I'm not saying we need to sit around throwing giant pity-parties for everyone...in fact, I'm saying the exact opposite. It is a wonder for each of us to make it through each day, but it is more wonderful to recognize that every other person that we interact with throughout our days also deserves that standing ovation and to do as much as we can to help give it to them. The beauty of Auggie's year and growth was not that he simply made it through the fifth grade, but that others began to realize that he was more than the face that he was given. They began to look at him not with an immense amount of wonder, but with a sense of normality. 

So I guess this left me with two semi-conflicting messages:

1.) We each deserve a standing ovation for making it through another day of the hand we were dealt because we were each given a couple of bad cards.

2.) Beauty is found when we stop focusing on those bad cards and, instead, realize that we are normal...because everyone else is holding a few of those cards too..and use that knowledge to reach out to someone else because if we combine all of the "bad cards," someone is going to end up with a pretty good hand.

3.) We, as humans, deeply desire to be noticed...to be known...but to be noticed for more than our "bad cards". 

So there are my, as always, jumbled thoughts. I have to admit that I like the way my mind thinks, but there is often a disconnect between my thoughts and my words, hope you understood something out of this mess.

You made it through another day. Congratulations, because I know it wasn't easy. 

<3 D

Herded. Psalm 23.

I don't know why, but it never ceases to surprise me when God speaks so directly to my heart. This isn't a new experience or one that is directed solely at me-people have been hearing from God since the beginning of the world...literally. This morning I fought the ever present urge to sleep off the headache that another restless night had left me with to drive a half hour to and from church. I was not keen on the idea, but had recently committed to fighting off the summer blues by attending every Sunday until Missouri and didn't want to fail the second week in. I went, sat in my usual seat (for the past 5 years) only to have Pastor Mike Hill speak the fuel that I have been praying for and with so many of my friends entering some imperative decision making days, I wanted to share the gist of his words. If you do have time...(quite frankly, just stop reading this and go), feel free to check out the link for podcast of this morning when it's updated.

 Life Church, Huntington Podcast

Have you ever noticed that the closer you grow to God, the more uncertain your future seems? Mike nailed me with the opening sentence of the message. Bumming it this summer as well as the long list of unknown involving my Missouri move in just over a month, has forced me to come face to face with God on a more regular basis. Yet in this time of proximity to Him, the only thing I seem to know is that I am moving to Missouri August 10. That isn't enough for a controller like myself. Mike went on to open with Psalm 23, a popular one that begins with "The Lord is my shepherd." I didn't grow up in the church and yet I knew this passage...yet, Mike spun it...it isn't inherent that He is our shepherd just because we are Christians-just as we are not automatically placed on the narrow road mentioned in the Gospels. The Lord being our shepherd is a conscious decision that we have to say yes to...and live by. We have to be willing to follow Him no matter where He is guiding us, being confident that when the wolf attacks, He will stand between us.

I have recently been conscious about my dependence on my GPS, despite the fact that is fails me every now and then. I was driving to a friend's house last week in a part of Ft. Wayne that I had never been to, yet I was utterly confident I was going to arrive at my destination because I had the GPS. Even when I missed a sudden turn, the GPS recalculated the next route for me. Driving to Missouri, the longest drive I will have made alone, I won't look at the map, I will simply follow wherever the GPS tells me to go and if she fails me, I will call home. The GPS enables me to drive off the route, to stop for breaks, to do whatever I want because I know she will recalculate. That's not the kind of following that Psalm 23 is speaking of.  Mike recounted driving to Florida to a destination that he didn't even know the address of-he was simply following a friend in front of him who DID know where they were headed. I hate this type of driving....I'm always terrified that I am going to be the car in the caravan to get pulled over for speeding or going through the red light that everyone else made through on yellow, and don't even get me started on what happens when someone pulls out in front of me, thus separating me from the rest of the crew. I panic, I get aggressive, I'll ride their tail until they get in the other lane-I'm simply not going to allow someone to separate me from the one that actually knows where we are headed. That's the kind of following that we are being summoned to when we take on "The Lord as my shepherd".

Why do I not get as aggressive with Satan as He so often cuts me off from the one I am following who actually knows where I am headed? Why do I still consciously choose to take pit stops and detours because the route can be recalculated? Why do I not do whatever I can to stay with Him?

Mike went on to enlist Romans 12:1-2 to talk about "renewing your mind"- three simple words that we often skew. We know we are to fuel ourselves with the Word-it is often called our "guidebook" or "directions for life", yet our efforts often end up lost. Mike recounted a story (to be honest, I spaced out in thought during much of this, but I have the highlights) about a man who encountered Mother Theresa: He asked her to pray for clarity over his life- a prayer that I have so often been reciting recently. Mother T. praying clarity over you, how much better could it get? Stop. She refused, she told the man that she would never pray those words for him because "Clarity removes trust". Basically, when we are clear about the direction of our lives, we can abandon the director. We often go to Scripture for direction; yet the primary purpose of Scripture isn't necessarily to provide us direction for our lives (though it does do that much of the time), rather it provides us with directions back to the director so we can follow Him.

 It pulls back to the idea of the Lord being our shepherd- what would a sheep do with a map? Even if it could read it, it would probably screw up the directions somehow, instead it just loyally follows his master. I'm definitely not a shepherd by definition, but I have grown up showing and raising herd animals: From the time that the baby animals are born, the point is to grow them trusting enough to follow easily for show. For goats, you have a lead or a collar of some kind and for sheep, you take hold of their face-yet during show you don't want it to look like you are tugging on these too much, instead the animal should just kind of walk next to you because you are its leader...its shepherd. Every year, it never fails that one of these animals will break free of their owner...they run around the ring and just do their own thing while all of the ring helpers work it into a smaller space. On the rare occasion, you will see a tame enough animal get lose only to simply stand next to it's owner; if the animal gets separated, you'll see it run full force back to the owner as soon as it catches a glimpse of them. Which are you; the animal who breaks free and runs or the animal who find themselves lost and runs back to the shepherd? Who are you trusting? 

We have one purpose in this world: To simply be growing nearer to Jesus and letting that relationship take us wherever He chooses. Simple, when we abandon the GPS where we are frantically reading street signs and mile markers, hectically turning onto passes too soon-making it recalculate our route and instead, simply keep our eyes on our friend who has the route memorized, stress is alleviated, holds are broken...we are granted a new kind of peace and freedom in the ride. 

The long list of the unknown has no hold on me because "The Lord is my shepherd. I lack nothing." I no longer want to fill my prayers begging for clarity because, today, God answered my second most-frequent prayer-to be known. God proved that He is listening to me, that He knows where I am and more importantly where I'm going. I am known by God, herded by the most faithful shepherd. What else is there to be clear about? 
 

<3